Where to begin...

About a year ago, I met this woman, we'll call her Z. She fit my physical description of "the perfect woman" and I'd quickly learn that she was much more than that.

Z and I became really good friends. She was coming out of an 18 year marriage, and I out of a 15ish year on/off/on relationship. We were both trying to figure ourselves out, what we want in life, who we are, and what makes us happy. We both were also opening our own businesses. Looking back, it sounds kinda like the perfect storm. I think that we both knew it at the time even.

Over the past year, we have had very deep, intimate conversations about who we are, where we've been, what we've experienced that has shaped who we are today, our fears, our goals, and about everything else imaginable. We both feel super comfortable with one another, trust as much as we can, and are as open as we can be.

Looking back, it sounds kinda like the perfect storm. I think that we both knew it at the time even.

We were friends. I flirted with her. I eventually developed feelings for her, and told her. We remained friends. At some point, she decided that she wanted to take things to the next level and we became FWB. My feelings grew deeper, unbeknown to me, so did hers. We acted like the perfect little couple without any labels or commitment. We were both having fun and enjoying it.

I wanted more, and was doing my best to respect where she was emotionally. I would push at times, and she'd remind me that we are just friends. Other times, we would be talking and she'd have to remind herself, out loud, that we are just friends.

We've both dated and had sex with others. Our agreement is that we won't talk about it because each acknowledges how much it would hurt to know.

One night, at a bar, after too much drinking, I made out with a woman that Z had introduced to me. (Side note, a week before, Z had told me that I was free to measure this woman's breasts because I make specialty clothing...Z said that she doesn't get upset about things like that because it's work...we're just friends remember?) I, honestly, have no recollection of making out with this woman.

The next day, Z and I go back to the same bar, and the bartender tells Z about my antics the night before. Z remained very calm, and a few minutes later told me that she had a date that night and one the night before. I found myself very angry and jealous. I know...I know...I had no right to be.

This led to a month of turmoil and strife between Z and me. She was extremely closed and distant, and I was sending short novels via text message about how much I loved her and how I could never be the type of friend that she wanted me to be. We finally talk, in depth, about all of it. She reveals that she has feelings for me as well, but is just scared and really wants to be friends - good, close, friends - until she figures herself out. Then we can see what happens.

Since that time, and this is the important part, I just can't shake the jealousy. I find myself getting jealous about things that are none of my business, her hanging out with friends, and even inventing unrealistic scenarios in my head. If I keep this up, one of us is going to have no choice but to terminate the friendship and completely walk away.

I thought that I had accepted that we are just friends. I have tried to just focus on my life, and have even asked other women out. I am trying to shift my focus off Z.

I know very well that my own feelings of insecurity and unworthiness are controlling most of my emotions. I have a deep fear of losing her, not of being alone or abandoned, but of losing her specifically. All the time, I know that if I continue to allow my emotions to control that I will ultimately push her away.

The struggle is real...