So my last session with baby T was eh
I had printed my last email with T and brought it in to share, because it's been a huge part of my regret. I blocked out all his names and the emails etc and he asked to see it and then skimmed it, said that he only needed highlights. It felt really dismissive but I let it go because at this point, I feel like he's sick of hearing about it, I mean, I am sick of feeling it all so it makes sense. I don't blame him.

Anyway so I didn't speak up, I'm not comfortable with him like I was with T so the ability to freely speak about things like that is hard for me, I'm very much in my quiet mode and shut down. I don't want any sort of bond with him either so working at being comfortable etc isn't gonna happen.

That being said, I had a few other topics to bring up... like my friends dream about my T dying. He again seemingly dismissed it by just asking me how I can cope with it. I mean ok I get coping skills, I've used them my entire life to deal with crap, they help but not 100% of the time. What I need is to talk about the feelings and thoughts, and just try to deal with the emotions of them and all that. I have literally no one else in my life I talk to about this unless it's online or via text, this is it for in person. So it's just a bit of a let down.

I thought ok, well he doesn't wanna hear about that, so then he started rambling on about being outside when it's sunny and nice, which of course I do anyway....I had brought up the 3 months being this week, literally no response to that.

Most any T related thing was replied to by a coping skill idea and I mean I'm cool with CBT and learning new ways to think and all that but I really need to also just talk about things in a more realistic sense. I'm just "masking the pain" by only using coping skills, I need to deal with the thoughts and feelings aspect too and he's not really helping there, of course I don't say anything but eh idk

Another thing was he tried complimenting me on something and I was very anxious on the couch and he sensed it and said "I can see you are uncomfortable so I'll stop" which was nice but again, not asking why or anything. I can't accept praise, or care etc from people, and esp AFTER things with T... it all seems more like, NOPE!

I feel really bummed because on the one hand, he's good with therapy things, I have no attachment and I feel ok being just a job, it actually provides me with peace knowing that. I also like his insights sometimes and how he tries to redirect like one thing he did say about the dying was telling myself "I believe he isn't dead" rather than driving myself crazy with the KNOW for sure aspect. He's good with things where he could help me reframe my self worth but I feel like that would take me down the Long term road, which is a big hell no for me.

So then here I am, on a therapy break, wondering if any of this is worth it. What is wrong with me that I can't let T go? How much longer would baby T have to sit and listen to me carry on about him? I really am unsure of any of it is worth it. IDK if/when I'll return.