My Support Forums - View Single Post - Handling Inappropriate Jealousy (kinda long back story)

sarahsweets · Mar 12, 2019, 12:03 PM

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Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

We were friends. I flirted with her. I eventually developed feelings for her, and told her. We remained friends. At some point, she decided that she wanted to take things to the next level and we became FWB. My feelings grew deeper, unbeknown to me, so did hers. We acted like the perfect little couple without any labels or commitment. We were both having fun and enjoying it.

I am so not a fan of FWB. I feel like if you are willing to do all the things a couple would do including sex then why not just be a couple. I think this type of relationship does more harm than good. Its almost a guarantee that one person is going to feel emotionally attached to the other person- even love them. Then that person is left with a decision: tell the friend they are in love and have feelings for them-risking the whole relationship OR say nothing and suffer.

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We've both dated and had sex with others. Our agreement is that we won't talk about it because each acknowledges how much it would hurt to know.

If you both acknowledge it would hurt the other person to share details then...isnt that an indication that the relationship is changing?

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The next day, Z and I go back to the same bar, and the bartender tells Z about my antics the night before. Z remained very calm, and a few minutes later told me that she had a date that night and one the night before. I found myself very angry and jealous. I know...I know...I had no right to be.

No disrespect meant but is it at all possible she just said that because she was hurt? I am not saying she is a liar but is it a form of self protection?

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This led to a month of turmoil and strife between Z and me. She was extremely closed and distant, and I was sending short novels via text message about how much I loved her and how I could never be the type of friend that she wanted me to be. We finally talk, in depth, about all of it. She reveals that she has feelings for me as well, but is just scared and really wants to be friends - good, close, friends - until she figures herself out. Then we can see what happens.

In no way is this a good idea or reasonable. You have feelings for her and she says she has feelings for you so- why the avoidance? Are you at all bummed that she wont match your feelings and just have the relationship? Because it sounds like she is either very scared, very unsure or very confused. You do not want to be sleeping with a confused person. it will not help her and its definitely not gonna help you.

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Since that time, and this is the important part, I just can't shake the jealousy. I find myself getting jealous about things that are none of my business, her hanging out with friends, and even inventing unrealistic scenarios in my head. If I keep this up, one of us is going to have no choice but to terminate the friendship and completely walk away.

In my personal opinion I would terminate the friendship unless she agrees to give an official relationship a try. i do not know what is going on in her mind but now its affecting you emotionally. Its not making you feel good and it isnt healthy for either of you. You are doing a disservice to her by engaging in this intimate relationship/not relationship. She should be able to move on and so should you. Unless you both want to be together it sounds like a recipe for pain. And Jealousy is never good. No good can come of it. Its sort of like self punishment. You love her and want her to love you and she wont agree to love you so your heart just breaks inside and you start wondering who else may have her heart if not you.

I thought that I had accepted that we are just friends. I have tried to just focus on my life, and have even asked other women out. I am trying to shift my focus off Z.

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I know very well that my own feelings of insecurity and unworthiness are controlling most of my emotions. I have a deep fear of losing her, not of being alone or abandoned, but of losing her specifically. All the time, I know that if I continue to allow my emotions to control that I will ultimately push her away.

Do not be hard on yourself. These feelings you are having IMO are completely justified and understandable. How else are you supposed to feel? i think having a serious talk with her about wanting a relationship would be a good idea and if she doesnt want to be prepared to walk away.