I, of course, can't say what's wrong with you or why you're behaving the way you are. But what I can say is that you clearly have a self loathing problem and may be turning to sex to feel wanted, appreciated, etc. If this is the case, it's a vicious cycle. After the fact, you feel worse about yourself than you did before and even more desperate for affection.

I could be totally off base. Seeing a therapist would be the best way to get to the root of the problem.

Good luck and be safe.

Cyran0