I guess I am so hurt that I am unable to see things from anyone else's perspective. He knows that one of my weak points is knowing when I make someone else angry. He had already told me that he did not like what I did, which I totally understood. He took a huge chance by telling me that so soon after what I had done. I am still extremely fragile at this point. He also said something to the affect of that I didn't have to do that just because I didn't get my own way. I had just told him how much it hurt that I cared so much for him but he didn't care back. And he put it in terms of me throwing a fit because I didn't get my own way? That's ********. I'm not fighting over a piece of candy. I'm in massive pain.

Although I joke with the thing about the hippo, it really hurt. I wanted to take it so I could feel safe like I used to in his office and he turned it into a cold contract. I %#@&#! hate that.

So after already telling me that he did not like what I did, he told me he was angry with me because of where I chose to do it. He didn't say he was angry because I might have killed myself, but how it affected his staff. %#@&#! his staff. I am so self-centered, I know. The whole thing has reinforced my feelings of being worthless and unloveable. I guess I'm fighting that feeling but should just give in to it.

I understand that he does not care for me as much, but I wish he could at least respect my feelings. I feel like he takes them and discards them as he wishes. I am dying inside right now and am just sitting with it. I have no hope for the future but I'm sitting with it. Am I being rational? Probably not. But my emotions are flooding me and taking over. I am so tired of fighting this. I thought he was the one person who would understand, but instead he reframed it into me being selfish and threw it back in my face. This whole situation just sucks. I slept all day yesterday and today because it's the only way I can escape.

I appreciate your replies and totally understand what you are saying and know that you care. Unfortunately, I am stuck under this wave of emotions and can't see it from anyone else's point of view. Love y'all. Thanks for caring.