Hey all. Hope everyone is doing well. I hope I can articulate my feelings well so here it goes.

Long story short: Has anyone here ever felt ashamed of wanting love? I'm beginning to notice that I feel such shame for wanting it. I tell my close friends that I'd love to be in a relationship but, deep down, I'm realizing that I feel ashamed for wanting that.

For one thing, I think it's how I grew up. My mom and my grandmother never made romantic love a priority. My mother was (and still is) a very hard worker and I think my father leaving when I was a baby really hurt her. After that, she had one relationship but it was a repeat of her past relationships, which were all toxic. Even so, she really wants me to find a good person who is a good fit for me and she is very encouraging and loving. My grandmother had a horrible marriage and she regrets not choosing the right person. So she can be bitter and says negative things about love. She's actually negative about everything but that's another story.

Whenever I try to talk about this with people they say, "Oh, relationships are a lot of work" or "You don't have to be in a relationship". However, these comments come from people who are in relationships. I already know that romantic relationships are hard work but that can be said for any relationship, you know?

I've always prioritized my education and now my career. However, I'm now learning that it was an excuse to not pursue love. I've also realized that I probably think that I don't deserve it or that I shouldn't have it. I kept (and I still keep) saying, "I can't focus on love. I have X, Y, and Z to do." Those were all excuses.

I'm always working on myself and I also use that as an excuse. But if I continue using that as an excuse I'll never be in a relationship because we're constantly working on ourselves until the day we die. I believe that anyways. People always say, "You can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself" but I always felt like that was a bit demeaning to people with mental health issues. We struggle with loving ourselves on a consistent basis, so I never agreed with that.

I keep asking myself: What am I afraid of? Why do I believe I don't deserve love? Is it abuse, childhood trauma? Is it personal experiences? What is it? I know I have a lot to offer. I have many good qualities and I am aware of my flaws, which helps in how I interact with people. So...I don't know.

So yea. That's that. I'm super tired so sorry if there are any typos or if something does not make sense. It's that time of the night when things get deep and you're very vulnerable and you make a lot of realizations LOL.

TLDR: Has anyone ever felt ashamed for wanting love? How did you get over that shame? Where do you think that shame originated from?