Forcing myself to create a routine, week after week, day after day, hour after hour, is helping me. i told this to T today. i think about it all day, seeing myself doing the next thing, all the time. she was pleased. even though she said its a bit obsessive. i feel im getting stronger thanks to this, but i know there is only a thin line between this and surrender.

Main thing for wednesdays, apart from T, is taking a shower. i know it may sound gross, but up to now i only showered 1-2 per week. i was scared of taking a shower at my house. i used to take it at my parents'. now i know i can do it, and i aim to taking it at least once a week at my house and once at my parents. the shower has a particular meaning to me. it reminds me how almost 3 years ago, i quit. today i created a new imagine of it in my mind. it was hard.

i also found out my neighbors come home at 5pm. meaning i have 3 hours with them. T said i cant live like this, dominated by them. she suggested i do something to the wall to diminish the noises or that i talk with the mom. i cant do that. i told T why. i cant stand asking for something, especially to strangers. it would make me feel as if i was asking something im not entitled to, something i dont deserve, something too big to ask. i would only ask not to scream at 6.30 am and wake me up. but the effort of talking with her is too big and i prefer to suck it up. she said i keep sucking it up until i collapse, but its a conscious choice. its ok with me if it happens. i cant do otherwise. not for now.

we also talked about my job. i told her im going to keep it full time. even if i could work less and still would get enough money to live on my own. and even though the last 30mins are dominated by anxiety. she said this too is a bit obsessive.

she asked about my parents and this was hard to admit: with my mom its ok and actually better than it ever was, but my dad doesnt want me at their home. he said it in a million different ways for a long time. when im there, he keeps saying "why arent you at your house?". i know he doesnt mean to hurt me, but he does. at least i have my mom and my cats there. i guess they are enough, or i wouldnt go there every weekend.

lastly we talked about food and how i feel empty after eating as i feel before. i also feel guilty afterwards because i could not eat (nobody is checking on me), but i do eat. i also eat a lot of junk food. its not good, but i cant help it. at least for now. i feel its a reward for surviving the day. or during the day, its helping me carrying on. also, its the only proof i have that shows me the positive of living alone. this was always my main wish. being free of eating what i want when i want it. now im free of doing this. it reminds me the positive of my current situation, instead of the negative. im trying hard to see the positive and reinforce these thoughts. i hope that with time, routine will be easier, more spontaneous and i wont have to eat all that im eating to feel a little better. to feel able to pass the day. i hope soon. or i'll keep the comfort eating until i give up. but i hope not.

Thanks anyone for reading