I saw him today. I was worried I might not be able to because my daughter is off school sick, but my H took her to work with him.

I told him about her being sick and me being exhausted. I talked about my trip the other day and how I was extremely anxious but I don't know if I was actually partly sick too, as I was nauseous and hot (which I had put down to anxiety).

We discussed a lot about what went wrong with the break. I told him how he had been so responsive to me last summer when he went away, offering me a transitional object, offering to be available for contact and also writing me a letter, yet this time he didn't respond at all. Even when I told him it would be difficult.

He said it hadn't occurred to him to do that. I pointed out that I had explicitly said the break would be hard for me and he had responded by saying "Sorry bout that". T said it does sound very "that's just the way it is". (Finally he gets that).

We said it isn't like we can plan ahead to do those things, it has to be in response to my needs, so it's about recognising those needs at the time. It's about attunement.

We talked about how I was angry with him at first and then I turned it on myself and started hating myself and wanting to quit because I feel too much. It was like, when the anger got me nowhere, I switched. T said it sounds like a strategy I've developed to keep me safe and feeling "loveable" (That had been my word first).

I said it felt like progress me feeling the anger instead of immediately defaulting to self-hatred. He agreed, it suggested a sense of safety. I knew it was safe to be angry. I said yes, I knew he would be okay with it.

He told me an anecdote he had told me before about a child he lived with a long time ago where he had returned from a trip, and they ran up to him (he assumed for a hug) and they actually hit him in the leg. He said he realised that meant they had felt safe to express how they were feeling.

I said "you told me that before". He said "have I?" and started talking about my process again, a little less assuredly. I looked at the pattern in the wooden cupboard and shrank my head inside my collar.

After a minute of quiet he asked what was happening. I said nothing. I couldn't find any words. After a couple of minutes I said " It takes courage to answer". He nodded. I said "I didn't tell you last time but I didn't like you telling me that story". He asked what it made me feel. It was very difficult, but I said "envy". I said I dont like feeling that way about it. He asked why I don't like feeling that way. I said a couple of reasons. Firstly it feels pathetic, and also, it is in conflict with the part of me that wants to hear more about him. T nodded. He said envy is a funny emotion,because it's difficult feeling it, but it's very telling, because it tells us what we want.

He asked if I ever felt envy at other people who had the kind of parenting I didn't have. I said sometimes, especially when people have warm and giving mothers, but this felt more envy at wanting him.

I said it made me imagine him engaging with the child, with rapture and warmth in his eyes, and that's what I want. He asked how it feels when I get that. I thought "I melt" but I didn't say it.
I said I dont have many memories of feeling that way, but when T looks at me warmly it impacts on me a lot. T said "you might not be able to answer this, but I wonder if it melts something inside of you?" I smiled and told him my first response, which I filtered, was "I melt". I said I filtered it because it didn't make sense to me. He said it made some sense to him, that it melts some of my defences. I said yes, and he can penetrate my defences, but there are very intense feelings beneath. So he can reach through my defences, and if he touches that place right I feel intensely good, but if he touches it wrong, I feel intense pain.

Time was up. I didn't hug him because I am worried I could still have the bug and I would never forgive myself if I made him ill. T said "virtual hug" and it reminded me of the Skype virtual hug we did. He said he spots that button everytime he Skypes now. I said as long as you're not inappropriately sending it to people. He laughed and I left.

I felt he was much more attuned today than he has been in ages.