I have not been in therapy for over 4 years now.

I tried to go to one again and she was the type who would ask a question and not reply to my answer and just sit there waiting for me to continue.

I can talk to a wall if that's all there is.

My old therapist was very good. I finally found a good one with the help of my wife (she helps me all the time). It was actually with a practice for adopted people and adopters. I was adopted.

After I was adopted, my adopted mom died when I was 4.


I have no memories of her or that time. They literally start at the marriage of my step mom and my dad. I know there is a ton of sh"" that is repressed. I can feel it's weight on me, but I can never put it down.


We ended up not talking about the past or adoption and just tried to figure out coping mechanisms to help me with my illness. My wife actually came for a bit for couples therapy about my illness.

About 6 years ago my dad passed from a fatal stroke. He was my one rock (besides my wife) in this world. Growing up he coached all my sports teams and taught me how to pitch in baseball (he was a star pitcher at west point) Later in life, we worked together and had an hour drive in and out of work. So lets say 2 hours a day for 5 days a week for 6+ years. That's a lot of time. I feel so blessed to have had that time with him.

When I failed out of college, I joined the Army. He had retired as a full bird colonel. We had another thing to tie us together We knew that military life.

I have 2 letters from my mom when she wrote to me when she ways dying. I cannot read them without sobbing viciously.

I tap into the pent up emotion so much. At almost everything when I am in a safe space to allow that to happen. I know there is so much pain and loss and feelings of abandonment that I carry.

The weird thing is that I don't want to let it go. I feel maybe by keeping this pain, I am keeping them both alive. Maybe twisted or unhealthy, but I need that pain.