Saw T yesterday and today. At one point I just got extremely anxious and really had a hard time grounding myself. T is psychodynamic, so of course, we sat in deafening silence for quite a while. I was internally screaming as if I was hanging off a cliff by one hand, but I couldn't speak. I also realized afterwards I had kind of turned away from her and my hair was shielding my face. I'm not sure what that was about. Anyway, she asked if I didn't want to be there today and if we should end early, which jolted me into speech. I managed to mumble that I was feeling really anxious and asked her if she could talk for a minute. She said, "About anything?" I nodded, and she said something along the lines of that being a difficult request. I didn't really agree and it made me feel pretty needy and pathetic. But I think she just doesn't practice that way.

Still, I felt like I must be annoying her and she wanted me to leave. I felt worthless and like the fact that I was suffering so much (I am in a bad patch, maybe due to a med change) was completely insignificant. My anxiety also rose even more because it was like she couldn't see that I was hanging off a cliff and I was watching my only chance at help walking away from me. That's one thing about T that I kind of struggle with. Intellectually I realize it's not personal but simply that T doesn't work in a way that includes hand-holding or providing superficial comfort. I don't think she thinks seeing her when she can't do anything that would really change how bad I feel has a point.

I think I'm also still a little hurt that I texted her last week that I quit my job, which she knows must have really upset me because I very rarely text her (and she doesn't do email), and she responded "We will talk about it tomorrow." I wasn't looking to discuss and process over text, but it would have been nice if she'd shown some sympathy or concern or SOMETHING because I honestly felt very close to being a danger to myself and could have used something to cling to until I saw her. So I think I'm still feeling a bit hurt about that. I don't see the point in talking to her about it because her response was basically smacking me in the face with a boundary. I felt like a needy asshole and like I had been really inappropriate, and I don't need her to spell out for me that she's not going to be a crutch for me between sessions unless something extremely bad happens (like when my dog died). I don't need more shame in my life, and that sort of discussion would bury me in shame.

Anyway, she did end up being helpful in pulling me out of my panic. She chose to ask me questions about a light topic instead of just talking. After a little while, we were nearing the end of session. She asked me if I wanted to hurt myself. I always find that question embarrassing, but it was kind of a relief that she asked. Otherwise, I'd have thought she thought I was fine and I 100% wasn't. I told her I wasn't suicidal. She countered by asking me if I was self harming. That was even more embarrassing, and the ridiculous part was that I hadn't even done so. Maybe it just reminded me how I had a pretty bad episode of SH maybe a month ago and she found out (I wasn't the one who told her; it's complicated). I told her I hadn't but was honest that I wanted to, because I had pretty much made up my mind to do so later that day, and just saying no would have felt very close to a lie. I never tell her when I do it, and when she asks if I've done it and I have to say yes, I feel like a naughty child. But.I felt like a very naughty, bad child indeed when she found out about the episode last month and I didn't know until she confronted me about it.

I usually go 2x/week, but she asked me if I would like to come back again before Friday. That made me feel better about my fear that she was annoyed by me. I probably should have said no as I can't afford it, but I nodded. I appreciated that she asked as it hadn't occurred to me to ask, and I wouldn't have done so even if it had.

This is super long, so I'll post today's session separately.