This is not your fault. Your brain is going haywire. Don’t be embarrassed that it’s the forth time this year. Any amount of times is worth it to save your life. I’ve had periods of many hospitalisations over a short time. Like you, I was out of control and a constant treat to my life. In the end things calmed down and I could be safe at home. Give yourself time. I really hope the doctors can find the right treatment ASAP.