I can relate to pieces of this post. I've done things in my past that haunt me and I keep putting off resolving them like that will somehow help. It actually just makes it worse, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything about it. I've been working through a bipolar workbook and learned that the running away is a symptom that's pretty common. Our brains just don't process emotion the same way as others and we have to work harder to push through the tough stuff. I know that seems unfair, but I'm trying to accept it as my truth and just something I need to overcome.

I said I haven't made any progress, but I actually made a list of the things I don't want to face and then I broke them down into tiny tasks I could do to make progress on each. I haven't completed the tasks, but breaking them down seems to be a decent start. My hope is that I will be brave and make a few steps in the right direction to prove to myself it is worth it.

I'm not on social media either and I've pulled away from a lot of people over the years. Sometimes I think I'd like to widen my circle, and sometimes I think this is just how I'm meant to be. I think being honest with myself about what the isolation does to me is the key. When I isolate because I am running I now know that's part of being bipolar and I need to do something about it. When I isolate because I just want some alone time I know that's just me doing me and not to be worried.

I also relate with the shame part. I was recently diagnosed after a severe manic episode with psychosis. I said and did so many crazy things that it is hard for me to even believe it happened. I think about it every day and try to love myself regardless, but some days it is just hard not to beat myself up. How could I not see this coming? I considered myself an in control and self aware person before all of this and now I feel like I can't trust myself at all. I'm watching and analyzing everything I do because I'm so afraid of the mania coming back. It was not a high. It was the scariest bat shiz nuts thing I've ever experienced and it was traumatizing. I did a hospital stay and then put myself in intensive outpatient therapy and now I see my doc and therapist regularly. I take my meds as prescribed. I'm reading about bipolar and trying to learn all I can. I am staying away from my triggers. I am making healthy lifestyle changes. I'm even considering a support group and I'm here trying to relate to others who go through the same things. I don't know what else I can do, but the shame still sits with me daily. It has been four months, but maybe it just takes time to trust again.

Thanks for being brave and sharing how you feel. It made me feel less alone.