T Monday. Went back and sat down--I saw he was still using the back support thing and confirmed that his back was still bothering him, said I was sorry about that. T thanked me. T: "I'm sorry about your migraine Friday." I thanked him. (It had kept me from going to my daughter's IEP meeting in person, but I participated on the phone. I'd become very distressed about not being able to go in person and had emailed him about it Friday--he replied Saturday morning.)

Discussed some details of how the IEP meeting went (D is on autism spectrum--the IEP sets up accommodations for her in school, and she has to do a new one annually), including her eligibility for a social-skills program over the summer. Then I mentioned my email to T. I said I saw Saturday morning that he'd replied, and I was afraid to read it--and I wondered what was going on with that. I realized I was ashamed of some of what I'd said in the email to him. And I was afraid he'd react in a certain way. But then I realized there's no way he'd say some of those things to me, that they were the things I was saying to myself. I said I'd written about it in Dear T--could I read him what I wrote there? He said sure.

So I pulled out the paper from my purse, plus my glasses. T glanced in my purse: "Are those tissues?" Me: "Yes." T: "Used or unused?" Me: "Mainly unused. Along with glasses, sunglasses, wallet, lipstick, hand sanitizer. I know I need to clean it out." T: "Well, it all seems necessary except the tissues." Me: "Uh, OK.' (I wanted to be like, "You're married, don't you know better than to talk about what's in a woman's purse?")

I then read the following, while crying: "Dear T, Why am I afraid to look at your email reply? I'm such a weirdo... I think maybe I'm ashamed of seeming so needy and sad. Or that I'm afraid you'll be like, "FFS, [which I defined, in case he didn't know the acronym] LT, get it together, it was a migraine! You had to do her IEP meeting by phone, whatever, get over it! Why would that make you feel so awful? I thought you were doing better. How can you go off the rails so easily? What is the matter with you? Maybe you're unfixable." That's clearly the message I'm saying to myself in my head. I know you'd never say that in an email to me. I suppose that's something to discuss Monday...Those messages are coming from somewhere. Along with the messages making me feel horribly guilty for missing the meeting in person (well, I know those are coming from my mom...)"

I said I knew he wouldn't say those things to me in real life, and if he did, I'd probably leave. T: "I imagine some of the people on the forum think I'd say them." Me: "True! I mean, I guess you'd say the part about 'You had the meeting by phone, get over it,' but not in those exact words." T: "Yes, I said something like that in the email." Me: "Yes, and what you said was fine. The email was helpful. And I think I realized something this morning while, this may be TMI, I was showering. I seem to have a lot of good thoughts while showering." T: "Do you know why that is?" He proceeded to explain how showering can be rather meditative and lets our mind focus on other things. I said it made sense, plus the sound blocks out other noises.

I said how driving could be that way for me, too, though I think that in part is also listening to music. T agreed, saying how a different part of the brain works on the actual driving stuff, so the other part is free to think. T: "People make fun of me for this, but I can drive for 5 hours without listening to anything, just with my thoughts." Me: "You mean music? I know you're not that into that. Or do you mean not even a podcast or something?" T: "Nothing at all, just driving." Me: "Well, we wouldn't make very good riding partners then, because I need to have music in the background." T: "Well, it doesn't work if someone else is in the car anyway. They'd be a distraction." Me: "Oh, it's just if you're driving alone then?" T: "Yes."

I said I wanted to share the thought I'd had in the shower. That I was thinking about how if T had said those things to me in the email, that it might have made me want to terminate. And even more extreme (huge potential trigger, read with caution):
But we didn't go much further with that, even though I felt like it was this big revelation. Maybe I should have pushed to go further, I don't know... And I'm debating bringing it up more today.

We ended up talking a bit about CBT and sort of using the wise mind (though i think that's more of a DBT thing?) T talked about how my mind might jump to certain things, like when I had the migraine and felt awful about not being able to go to the IEP meeting in person. How that's one part of my brain reacting to it. But this exercise involves taking a part of the brain that's wise, kind, and honest. He said all those components are important. Like the kind part is not being really critical or negative. There's an exercise where I write what happened and what I was feeling, then write how the more wise mind could have responded. He suggested I just look for CBT worksheets online. We talked a bit more about that.

There was a weird moment in there where it was like he was sort of smoothing/adjusting his (button-down) shirt, then it was like he saw me observing that and suddenly seemed self-conscious, like putting his hands over his stomach almost? (I have a tendency to watch people's hands without realizing what I'm doing.)

I mentioned the mindfulness, and he said he'd want more time to work on that. I said we could just do that next time, unless something else came up. T: "We can just work on it whenever it seems like a good time, it doesn't matter." Me: "OK."

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next Monday and Thursday. He noted that a used tissue had fallen off the couch next to me, so I grabbed it. I threw the tissues in his trash can then paid. I think I talked about the upcoming warm weather. Shook hands as T said, "Have a good few days." It felt like he squeezed my hand more than usual, like it was more of a sort of reassuring hand squeeze than a handshake. Which was nice. But it was probably just random or in my head.

Headed out, realizing I'd felt strangely dissatisfied with the session but didn't know why. Thought I'd figure it out by next session (today), but still unsure...maybe it's that we didn't delve more into the thing in the trigger warning? Or maybe I'd wanted him to have some sort of emotional reaction to that? I don't know. Might discuss that a bit today.