So today went by smoothly. im SO glad. i needed less emotions/thoughts.

I've felt more connected to my coworkers. im glad for the people i've met at work. we actually dont exchange more than a few words during the whole day, but its nice to say hello to someone and having them say it back with a smile. i catch myself smiling too.

I took care of myself by taking the meds i needed and eating. Im trying so hard to do the right things. maybe its a bit obsessive (as my T pointed out) as i think about creating a routine and food all the time, but if it helps, i welcome it.

I've also worn my new jeans. i bought them yesterday before T. they helped me feeling better about myself, more cool even! (i was dressed better than my usual, and it happens so rarely!). thanks to those jeans, i've been feeling more "normal" and maybe a little thinner than i always look by wearing too big or worn out clothes. how can a pair of jeans change so in depth what i think about myself???
Yesterday, i was torn about whether to buy them or not. i REALLY hate spending money. i've been so used at having little money to spend that even now that i earn more, i think about it a million times before buying anything, even when i think about getting myself a hot tea, i usually wont get it (and not much because of the calories). But i guess this time, these jeans were worth it.

I keep thinking about good exT. last week's session really left a mark in me. not much happened and nothing over the top was said, but he always has a special grip on me. He's always able to really leave a mark. He makes me change from the Inside. Making me think about the positives, making me feel proud of myself, making me change from the inside out and making me FEEL better. I dont know how or why but He always gets to help me. maybe im putting Him again on a pedestal and at the same time im overlooking what my T has done and is doing, but what can i do? only He gets to really reach me. whatever anyone else does or says is never as important and of value as what He does or says. nobody else gets to touch me as He does. and this time, its like He gave me permission (and actually pushed me) to feel better about myself and my current situation. i cant help it! I could let myself go and surrender to desperation and disappointment and frustration, but at this moment its like i really cant. even if i wanted it.

so anyway. at work, only 1 day to go for this week! Finally!!! i hope it goes as today or even better. tonight, during the last hour i got a headache and my eyes were burning from staying all day on the computer. it happens almost every night. its so hard at the end of the day. but thinking that afterwards i'll get a pizza with my friend and i'll go at my parents' for the weekend is helping.

Thanks anyone for reading.