Hey. Idk why I am posting this. I have been lurking here on and off but haven’t posted in a while. Not sure why exactly. I guess I’m Just not doing too well lately. Been dealing with a serious health thing for a while now that is fuucking with my head. And Winter always wrecks me mood wise.

Plus I just recently lost my best friend, who was my beloved cat of 20 years, Too much. It’s gettinh harder to find reasons to get out of bed each morning. I keep showing up for work but I can barely manage to shower or open mall or keep food in the house.
I know I probably sound pathetic but I’ve had him since he was a few weeks old, had to bottle feed him, and have lived with him my whole adult life. When I first got my cat my pdoc said it was a good sign bc having a pet was a huge protective factor against suicide. So he was my suicide watch kitten and when no one else could, his existence kept me alive many times.

Anyway, I just feel completely alone now. Too much to deal with and I feel like I have to keep it together bc if I fall apart I will never be able to put myself back together again. I’m still here mosttly out of sheer stubbornness. Maybe if I were normal I would not be alone with only my fuucked up thoughts for company. It’s exhaiusting when life feels like one huge struggle.

It’s odd, I’m actually working very hard to stay alive as long as possible at the monent. So having intermittent sui ideation thoughts makes no sense. Idk. I do feel like I have lost a clear purpose for being here. And I don’t know how much more I can take before it all feels like too much. It is too much.

Why am I like this? I want to rip out my brain and replace it with a normal healthy one. I am feeling so very alone in the world and really need some relief . All I do lately is work and sleep and watch bad TV.
Anyway I guess this is just me venting. I think I will be okay. But sometimes Life is just too hard and I really want to get off for a while and rest up before having to get back on this crappy ride.

Wishing everybody on here good days ahead. Take it easy.