I just can't bear it anymore. It's too much I'm struggling with. I know these are silly things that just don't matter, but I can't help but suffer.
I don't what to do with my life. I don't like what I'm studying. I don't want to do it. But what else should I study if I have no idea of what I'd like to do? Any career that I can think of is either not interesting to me, too difficult for me, or it's just not a valid career option, or even all of these things.
I don't have any hobbies. I don't know what I like to do. I try to do some activities and to figure it out. But I just can't find anything. Everything bores me. It's like there's something wrong with me. How can I go on with my life if I don't even know what I like to do in my free time?
I don't have any friends IRL. Nobody cares. I don't have any social skills. I have always tried my best to socialize with others, but it just doesn't work. They don't like me. They find me miserable and they have never liked spending time with me. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I'm just doomed to have no friends and to be misreable. Only people online, like here on PC, try to understand me. But I'm always so lonely IRL, I can't take it.
I don't have a girlfriend. I've never had. This is one of the things that hurt me the most. I'd love to spend time with a person who I love deeply and who loves me just as deeply, but how can I even think about it if I have no friends, if I don't know what to do with my life, if nobody loves me, if I hate myself? And yet I still wish it.
I can't ask for help. I just can't. I've tried. I've asked for help to several therapists. I've tried to take some meds. They don't work. Nothing works. I just can't be honest with people. I can't take the steps that are necessary to heal. I'm just weak. I'm not strong enough. I'm not able to say that I need help to those who could help. Things will never get better because of this. I'm weak. I'm a loser. It's all my fault all of this is happening to me. I'm doing all of this by myself. None of this is the fault of other people. It's all on me. It all depends on me and I can't change. I'll never be able to change it. I'm a pathetic loser and I hate myself. If I were gone, nobody would miss me, and they'd be right. Why would they miss me? I have never done a single good thing, a single right thing in my life. There's no reason to miss me. I'm just garbage that's waiting to be thrown out.
And the worst part is that I disappointed the few people that cared about me. The people that were kind enough to believe in me. Not only couldn't I do it for myself, but I couldn't do it for them, either. I have disappointed everyone. They didn't deserve it. They deserve to be around better people. Strong people. People that won't betray their trust. Like I did. I'm so sorry, everyone. Please forgive me