Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I can totally see where your H would kind of just sit back and let you talk if that was the path of least resistance. It might be easier (or at least more necessary!) for your H to open up if there wasn't the LT/MC dynamic taking up so much space. I really, truly don't think MC knew what he was doing, which might have even made things worse. With the right couples counselor, the fact that your H is slow to open up could be useful data in itself.
I get a tiny flavor of how my T approaches relationship issues when we talk about my marriage and she gives me suggestions about how to handle certain issues. It's very different from the individual work we usually do. I also learned a few really interesting things about the assumptions my wife makes when I brought her to an individual session once. And she and I talk all the time at home. So I bet there are all kinds of things you could learn about your H in the right setting. And I have to think a stronger marriage would make it easier for you to make the changes you want to make in yourself too.
Maybe you can see if Dr. T could provide a referral to somebody who has a style similar to his? I agree that he seems like he could be really good with marriage counseling and working on relationship skills, so maybe he knows some like-minded professionals in your area.
|
I agree with this. I think it would be extremely difficult for anyone-- even someone who was more open-- to find any space in the room with the dynamic between you and MC. For someone who is slow or hesitant to open up, they often need gentle encouragement and enough space, room, and time to feel comfortable doing so. If you are always eager to fill that space yourself (because you are more open), it not only lets your H "off the hook" but it also takes away the space and time he probably needs in order to slowly open up at his own pace and in his own way. A good MC would be mindful of this dynamic and not allow it play out in marriage counseling the way it does in your home. The MC would ensure that the counseling is more balanced and does not just center around one partner in the marriage. That lop-sided dynamic can do more harm than good. It may also be really helpful for you to learn to take a back seat at times, to be okay not articulating every single thought you have, or typically taking center stage, and to let H drive the ship at times. I think, sometimes, being too quick to open up or opening up 24/7 can be just as much a barrier to successful therapy (or marriage or life in general) as not being open enough. I say this as someone who is more like you than your H. Sometimes, I've found it is healthier for me *not* to obsess about every emotion I have and be more in the moment (instead of in my head). It's very hard to connect with other people when you're only focused on your feelings or how you want things to play out and you aren't taking the other person as much into consideration. Marriage counseling with a skilled therapist could teach you and your H how to create a better dynamic between the two of you, where things are more balanced. I also think, given your tendency to have powerful transference for male Ts, that seeing a female MC could be extremely beneficial for you. I think having transference for an MC will cause most counseling relationships to ultimately fail. There just isn't room for that in marriage counseling, where the focus should be on the marriage and not on the therapist.