Thanks for responding.

It sounds really rough. I don't know if any of this helps, but a few thoughts ...

Yes, in the end we all die and that's all she wrote. But I think the consequence is how we feel and what we experience while we are alive.

In the past, I have placed too much emphasis on some widely accepted truisms. "Happiness is a choice" is a hugely popular one. It sounds solid from a "re-framing" perspective and it helps a lot of people. But *none* of these statements are absolute. Happiness is a choice -- except for those for which it is not. Some people have mental conditions or are otherwise in a place that prevent it from being something they are capable of acting upon at that time.

So, maybe it would help to not get hung up on statements like that if they aren't working for you? Try not to engage in absolutes so much? Don't beat yourself up or give up if it doesn't work.

If happy is too much of a leap, how about trying for calm/centered/neutral or just plain out of distress?

Frankly, I have more success with behavioral stuff. But I do keep at all of it.

It could also be despair and depression coloring your thoughts about your experiences. I hope that doesn't sound condescending. I'm speaking from experience. I could still think rationally -- but it was shifted to a different mindset. It was difficult to recall and appreciate the things that weren't so bad or even positive.

Again, I hope something in here might help a bit. I'm not trying to tell you how it is. I'm just putting out some things that might help you feel a little less awful.