From vacantheart: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
...if it were me.... I wouldn't password protect the computer... Doing so, she will more than likely feel attacked.
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And from sunrise: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I don't think shutting off the Internet is wise. This would make her feel like a prisoner in her own home, "controlled" by you. It would be a very hostile action and probably push her further away.
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<sigh> Yeah. Yeah, I know you're both right. I just...
really want to, y'know? I had a friend in University who once told me that his biggest nightmare, his worst fear, was if someone he loved was hurt or in trouble, and he was powerless to do anything about it. Maybe it's a guy thing - sometimes it feels like not doing anything is worse than doing something, even if it's the wrong thing.
Also from vacantheart: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Support her... try to make her feel like she isn't in it alone.
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In small - and not-so-small - ways every day, I try to let her know that. And I try to be patient and tolerant.
From sunrise: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Could you two talk about her Internet use? Work out some guidelines? Can you tell her how hurt you and the kids feel that she doesn't spend time with you anymore?
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She's not willing to discuss limiting her time on the computer. She even kicks our kids off the computer so she can go back on, and they barely use it. She simply isn't reasonable anymore. And she knows how hurt I am, even if she believes - wrongly - that our kids haven't noticed anything wrong.
From youOme: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'd be %#@&#! as hell if I were you. Her mental illnesses can't justify having affairs.
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You've nailed it. I am deeply upset about her betrayal and about how it's affected me. I've always been able to be fully, unconditionally supportive through her depression and psychosis before. I mean, she did stuff that was
way out there - she once dug up our dead pet cat from its grave in the back garden because she was convinced that if she gave it a bath it would come back to life, for instance. After a hysterical phone call at work from her, I rushed home to find her covered in dirt and a half-frozen cat corpse in our bathtub.
But through all of it, I loved her, and I took care of her. But this... I can't stomach this. She says her feelings for me just turned off one day, like flipping a switch. And the kicker is that
she was always afraid that I'd cheat on
her. Her first husband was violent and an adulterer so for years she worried that I might have an affair. I never did, but I struggled for years for her to convince her I was trustworthy. And now she's having the affair. She betrayed
me.
So now, for the first time, I keep finding myself questioning her illness. Is she really ill? Or could she be just an immoral charlatan who is using me to make it easier for her to get her
rocks off?
Hm.
I don't like being "angry guy". I'm not that guy. I don't
want to be that guy.
From phelps: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
That said, (in order to help me cope), in my mind I would try to emotionally detach myself from her a bit and not to try to make her burden, my burden. Make it so you almost view her as a house guest.
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I'm mostly a solitary guy, I suppose. I don't make friends easily, I read, exercise, watch movies... I do my thing. And I know becoming somewhat detached from her might be helpful. And I suppose, to some degree, I've dome that. But for me, my life isn't a life without sharing it with the woman I love. A meal together with her tastes better than a meal apart. Sex isn't interesting without our intimacy. And when I go to bed at night and I can't feel the radiating warmth of my lover's body lying next to me, it's as if a little piece of me falls away and is lost.
Hm.
Well, that's enough maudlin, self-pitying nonsense for one evening. Thanks to everyone who's responded so far.
One last thing: a question just came to mind: having an affair while chronically depressed... does that happen? I mean, is it a known potential symptom of clinical depression? Has this happened to any of you?