Just a quick reaction to the first thing-- it feels like something that has been mentioned before, in terms of your feeling that he is responding "improperly" (for lack of a better word in the moment). But the content is interesting, a supposed "rule" that the contents of a purse shouldn't be talked about. I don't personally see why that is a problem in general, why it's a problem for a T, why it's a problem (I do realize not a serious one) in this context, or why you wouldn't say something like this that you thought. It may be that this is a little window into some small piece of your relationship "style," where you have fixed ideas about what's okay and not to discuss, yet you also silence yourself from saying something. It's the juxtaposition of the belief that he's "wrong" while not saying it-- when you are perfectly comfortable criticizing him about other things.

On the second thing, I do think that there are all kinds of self-harm people engage in (including addictions to substances, food, etc) that don't get labeled as such. I think staying in relationships that aren't good for us (note I am not saying you do any of these things) and putting ourselves in situations where we know we are going to be hurt can be a way to "punish" ourselves for real or perceived wrongs. Maybe saying those unkind/untrue things to yourself fits within that model, and *maybe* it's less harmful than engaging in more physical self-harm. But being aware that you do this and seeing it for what it is seems to me like a big step forward, one to see as progress.