I don't think that it's wrong and I totally understand it being a comfort, so long as it is really a comfort and not part of some downward thought spiral if you know what I mean.

I think your impulse to draw a line under what is supportable (sorry can't get correct English word here) is fine. I was talking for the first time at the weekend about assisted dying because I saw a friend suffer from attempts to revive her while dying, and I want to die in peace without well-intentioned medics thumping on me. It was a relief to say that and have it accepted by other people and has encouraged me to put this limit legally into place as best I can.

It is important to me personally to respect life. I was also talking to some people about killing people who don't respect your religion and I realised that my baseline is that I can't create life - it's a big mystery where it all comes from - so I am not going to destroy it. Someone tried to murder me and I was surprised to find myself deciding that I wasn't going to take out a knife and kill him.

But there are limits to the suffering that I want inflicted on me in the name of medical science, and I don't see why anyone has to make a decision about that except my self. It's a horror to me to be bashed back into life when I am on the edge of leaving it.

I'm not at all wanting to get rid of you raging vortex!!! Enjoy your presence on these forums. Just don't think that you have to feel guilty or ashamed about such thoughts.

Also when my friend knew that her illness was terminal, she lived her last few months fully to the joy of friends and other people around her. I don't know how many years you have before 50 (???) but perhaps we could throw a big party for you on PC meanwhile?