Losing it. Woke up today, went for a short swim then ran some errands. Something in me snapped soon after. I shifted to self destruct. Bought beer I can’t afford and took Ativan due to the anxiety but I knew they are bad together and I didn’t care. Got drunk fast then passed out for an hour or so. Felt awful. Spinning head, nausea and the rage was still there. I had wept earlier today and began to weep again, then panic. I wanted to harm myself but managed to stay safe. The emotion in me is so intense and out of control. I think it is this life crisis I’ve talked about and not Bipolar but man is it immense. I’ve only ever experienced such intensity of emotion during severe PTSD. I know I’m traumatised right now but I’m shocked at my reactions. My self destructiveness can get out of control fast so I have to get on top of this.