Someone needs to write a book about grieving for lost years as well as a lost parent. It's been very hard discovering that I still loved my father and felt so bad for how he lived his last 20 years (2-3 feet deep garbage throughout his house, no water or electricity for unknown times, no family, just horrible). I just don't know how to cope with all of it and every day is different. Last night his obituary was posted online and I read it over and over even though I wrote it. It just doesn't seem real.

Last night I finally fell asleep without a big battle. I woke suddenly at 1:00 AM, sitting straight up in bed thinking "Read Colossians!". Hoping this meant the Bible would answer my questions I read it. I was too drugged to understand it and need to read it again but while I think the Bible probably has answers for me I'm not sure it is in Colossians. Fortunately my therapist is also a pastor so he can help with this Monday. It was just weird to wake like that.

I need to send thank yous to a couple of people at the hospital who went above and beyond to help us. I also need to pester my brother to do the one thing I asked him to do through all of this (send a text. That's all. He's got a lot going over the grief but still, one text......)

I'm getting sleepy so maybe I'll get another night of sleep. The first night after we were at his house I woke up at the motel screaming. Not surprising considering what I saw that day. I haven't slept well since then and the time change really messed with me. Hopefully the worst is past.