I can feel my depression getting worse everyday. I am on a downward slide right now. There was so much I wanted to get done this week, but I barely got anything done and let other people that were counting on me down in the process. I come here to vent and hope to find support only to feel like all I do is whine & complain. So I try to so others the support I would want to feel. I start reading other threads & the more I read the worse I feel. The worse I feel the more I think about making a post until I remember I complain too much & I should help others. I then remember how reading other posts makes me feel worse so I don't say anything & continue to feel worse. I just want it to end. I have the means to do so, but what if I mess up? What if I survive but only damage my body worse than it already is? So in the end I do nothing but sit here and bemoan about how bad things are for me not willing to do anything about it one way or another. Just wishing for the rare incident that will kill me. Maybe Sunday someone will come shoot up my church. (Why not? It's happening more and more often.)
I remember one of the worst days of my life was when I woke up from a "routine" surgery. I am always thinking back to that wishing i would have never woke up.