MickeyCheeky, thank you for your answer. Communicating here helps a lot!

Yes, I am working with myself, I am meeting my psychotherapist for 4 months already. I decided to meet her because I really wanted to find out what is wrong with me, what is love, why I am so stressed, is it normal that I cry so much every evening. My boyfriend gave an idea of visiting psychotherapist and for this I am very grateful for him.

Psychotherapist helped me to meet myself by reaching a fact that I have a big inner critical child and I was growing with narcistic mother. I was learned always to do what she wants and to be perfect. Nobody taught me how to know what I want, how to be confident, how to love myself. Even she was telling to me that I shouldn't be around my stepfather because I don't know what men can do (I was 10 years old). Then she has a lover when stepfather was out for the business trips. I am still learning how to leave the past and just to think in the best future. However, sometimes it still sucks.

I know that I am strong but this topic about relationship is killing me. But I decided to try for the last time and to go in one month to Spain. I need to work on myself with a point of view that everything is going to be with me all-right. That not all relationships are created to last forever. To chill out somehow and if I don't feel well - just tell the truth, heal myself for a couple of weeks or months and go on. However, I just want to be happy but I am affraid if I do mistakes in my life. I am affraid that I will make mistake and I will hurt this man because he is super nice and cute guy but I feel that something is wrong. So I think I will go to meet him and just to watch these 10 days how is going on, how do I feel. And if it works - better. If not - I will prepare to decide myself after coming back. Firstly, to train myself not to feel guilty spending time with him, his friends and family (because I am not guilty if it not working). I would like to let you know how is going on and I will.

Thank you for your support !