I do see what you're saying Raging Vortex. I think you and I fundamentally look at our lives in different ways. I don't look that far down the road. Lately, I very much focus on the present. When I feel down or anxious I ask myself what would make that moment or that day better for me. I find that I'm happier with this way of thinking. You have what sounds like anticipatory anxiety....you are fearful of years of future misery...you are convinced that you can never be happy...do I have that right? Correct me if I'm wrong.

There was a doctor talking about depression one day. He was speaking with a severely depressed patient who said he no longer wished to live. The doctor asked him: "Is it that you no longer wish to be alive or that you no longer wish to feel the way you feel?" I am wondering how you would answer that question, RV. (You don't have to answer that, just an idea)

I emphasize that I am not trying to change your mind or negate your truth. I'm just speaking as someone who was so miserable for so many years and recently found a new hope and a new perspective which is a major relief. If I could help someone else find such a relief, I'd gladly do so. Though I respect people's boundaries and individual perspectives.

May I ask your belief system, RV? If you end your life, where do you think you'll be going or will you simply cease to exist?