Today was better. My therapist and I talked a lot about grief and needing to let that happen. I've kept myself too busy/distracted to deal with it until now but at this point I'm out of distractions. The time has come. It's just so complicated because of the estrangement and the horror over his living conditions.

He lent me a book on grief. I feel special because he doesn't usually lend books but says he trusts me. (I've been seeing him 13 years so I hope so!) This is one he used when he taught a class so there are interesting notes he's made throughout. This helps because I feel like our relationship is really good now and we had a rough patch that lasted a long time. Mostly it lasted because I couldn't let things go but it was still really hard and now it's definitely over.

I just wish the book or he could tell me how to feel. I guess I'll get there though. For now I'll keep eating carbs and feeling lazy. Tomorrow I'll do some laundry and be proud of that. I've not done much in the last couple weeks. He died 2 weeks ago today so that's about right I guess. Gotta stop the carbs though. I am trying to lose weight, not gain it.