T appointment yesterday: I went and paid and made the next appointment. It's not until April 15th so that's quite a while. She did have a Saturday appointment on the 13th but I prefer to not do Saturdays as it sort of ruins my plans for the day. I sat in the waiting room a bit. She was running a little behind. She came and got me and we walked back to her office, down the hallway. She walked behind me which always makes me feel weird, but there's not much I can do about it. She asked me about the requirements for CPA's but it has been a little while since I have looked them up (I am not a CPA). She asked me if I had cut. I told her that I had given up SH for Lent. Initially she seemed pleased by that. She almost immediately asked what was next? Could I commit to more time without SH? I was taken aback by this. I expected her to be supportive. She said it sounded like I was just going to SH on Easter Day. I said I wouldn't do it on Easter Day (however, I said nothing about the Monday afterward).


She said I needed to think about committing to a week at a time after Easter came. She said I needed to replace SH with something (but what can that something be?). Again we talked about the innate feelings of bad. She said if I want to believe a lie then that is up to me. She seemed more confrontational that usual. I didn't like it. I don't mind being gently prodded but I don't like being pushed. She said that if I wanted to go on not forgiving myself for everyday ordinary transgressions than that was up to me. But that I was getting a double whammy because life has a way of sorting you out if you do something bad.


I sort of started dissociating. I didn't want to be there. I remembered we talked about some feelings of paranoia that I had been having. She seemed to brush them off like they were no big deal when they have been causing me significant distress. I remembered she called me sweetie, which made me feel momentarily good. She probably just couldn't remember my name, in hindsight. The whole appointment felt "off" and I couldn't figure out how to get it on track. I told her I would see her in approx. 4 weeks. She said she would be sending good thoughts my way.


If I remember more, I will either add it or submit a second post.

Comments are okay.
HUGS Kit