Today's been an interesting day. I did some good self-care, I think. I'm feeling more wanting the connection with you again. I even found lots of books for us to try. I was thinking that maybe we try the new space, in the corner where I want to sit with the books. I don't know if I can keep this openness through tomorrow. I'm scared of you - this time not so scared of you physically. I'm more scared that you still are not the same you I've seen you as and love. The you that left me feeling loved and held.

Part of me wants to continue to withhold the journal and make you see what it is like to not know all the things going on in my head. I shared so much with you. This part still sees what you've said lately as you weaponizing and/or pathologicalizing what I've shared. Not that I've written in my journal since last Monday. I have written some stuff on the forum and to a friend as if they were my journal.

I miss you and I'm mad at you. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe we can at least get through the sky portion of the puzzle. If I remain shut down, you are going to have to come get me because I won't be able to break through the barriers myself. They are already getting too strong.