Oh wow, you guys are so great.

((((Leslie)))), I am sorry, I was on the other line with my doctor. He wanted me to call his cell tonight after kids were in bed. He is setting it all up as we speak. I have been crying so hard I don't think I have many tears left; lol, and my head is pounding. But thats alright, I will make more tears; lol.

Ya, scary part is, lately I have realized that I don't have any energy for nothing. Its a battle to make supper, do any laundry, clean etc. Even to do homework with the kids has been a battle. And thats terrible isn't it. It took some really tough caring from everyone to help me see and I feel horrible putting everyone through this mess. Thats gunna be the hard part: guilt and forgivness.

So I am home for now. I think most likely in the next couple of days..not sure. I shall wait for a call. Why is a grown up so afraid of the silly hospital? My stomach is so ill from worry. My doctor said I have been hiding with this and I need to stop hiding or I will either be hauled off by the police or I am going to die. So he said what I leave behind is a bigger mess than this is. If I take the easy way out, fine, but I then leave my kids to a life of torment like mine was. I can't do that to them can I. I love them to much and they count on me to be a mom, to protect them from not going through what they already have. And the thought of my kids going through this over and over, to end up sick like me one day: GOD, WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS BETTER.

So simple to say, seems so out of reach. I used to be such an amazingly strong person. Is this gone or can I find it again? I guess I won't know till I find out; lolol. Just tons of stuff running through my head right now.

I love you all, for being here for me always. I will take all the courage from here and find what I have been searching for. You are my family, thanks for being the best that anyone could ever wish for.

Justy