Really sorry about all this but I just had to let it all out.

Had a bit of a doing last week and I woke up in the middle of the night and had bit of a panic attack, then had to actually STOP myself from cutting (and by stopping I mean gripping onto the bed to stop me doing anything stupid!)... because my boyfriend was in bed next to me.

Anyway, he ended up waking up scared to hell and after numberous attempts to calm me down, I felt like a right.... arse.

I'm so embarassed. He's new to all of this, he has only recently found out about the SI and it terrified the life out of him, I felt awful. We talked about it the next morning and he was ok with it, (but still a bit shaken up, lol), but I still dont think that he's accepted it. My hand was all bruised and swollen because I was biting into it whilst trying not to do something stupid and he saw it the next day and gave a look while shaking his head.

Too be honest I feel like he deserves better, as whatever I go through he goes through aswell, I feel like a absolute %#@&#! up and I still cant look him in the eye properly

grrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate myself right now. babyg xxx