I have questioned myself that way too. I have actually been going through a lot and for a while now with my toxic older sister who abuses her power over my elderly parents. She has gaslighted, and lied and smeared and has blown up in rages at me, doesn't even care if other people see her do this. My father passed away just a couple of months ago and I went to visit him to have time to say goodbye and she made it a point to invade that visit. And when she did that I knew that she was just waiting for me to say something so she could perform drama in front of the caregiver that was sitting there. She made it a point to plan his service and it really wasn't about him IMHO, instead it was HER service. I did not go to HER service. Now my mother is dying and she hovers over that too and I went once to hospice to visit my mother who never opened her eyes or responded to me. Her husband was there and he is very welcoming so I gave him a hug and him and my husband stood there and talked while I sat next to my mother. I actually felt a bit safer having them there as a kind of shield. Yet, she just had to make it a point to step in and pull her husband away. When these articles describe the body language and the facial expressions, I know those well and I can picture her expressing these negative body languages.

I have ptsd or what is now called complex ptsd so her behaviors can really trigger me. I manage to remain calm when she behaves badly, even has raged at me. Yet, afterwards I end up really struggling. She is four years older than me, and she was bossy and controlling with me when I was really little, so when I get triggered I end up experiencing that young child part of me. I never consciously choose this, instead it's intrusive and just takes over.

With toxic individuals the one goal with them is "control". They will lie and smear and rage and stalk and gossip and hover and play the martar or victim whatever needed as for them it's all about CONTROL. Their "supply" is all about how they feel when they gain control over others and take others down or prove themselves superior. They like the drama to revolve around "them". They like to take the position of something is good or right or valueable ONLY if they think it is. They like to be the one that shines the most and collect the most likes, and have the most facebook friends and the biggest house or the most of whatever.

The guy you described experiencing in your other thread was a guy that considered his tastes and likes and dislikes to be more important, better, and if anyone fails to have HIS tastes they are stupid or less than in some way. He even made it a point to say to you "well, your not that pretty, but I like you anyway". Now WHO says that? All that really meant is "I don't think you are all that great but you can be added to my list of people that thinks I am great and worthy of their worship". Basically, all you are is an extra or a guest when it comes to their "stage of drama". You are basically just an assessory. You are simply a guest in their drama world, another fan in THEIR club and if you can't play nice with them and accept that, they proceed to smear you and see you as a threat.

These individuals like codependents because codependents are forgiving and nice and don't mind giving in and don't need to have all the control or stand out the way the toxic person does. Actually, they like having "dependents" because that can give them the sense of power they like. This is why a lot of these individuals position themselves in fields where they can have access to people with "needs". Their underlying need is always "power and control". Often this is something they are mentored to be or they are making up for the lack of control or power they experienced in their childhood or home.

Maybe you don't really "need" to have that quick answer when you are taken back by a person that says things to you that somehow put you down as you described. I know that can be hard because it's normal to want to defend ourselves. It's also normal to experience feelings of being insecure or inadequate if we don't have that quick comeback. And in all honesty? Toxic people are not interested in LISTENING. You can do a test where they will talk to you for a long time as long as the conversation is all about THEM, and then when YOU need to talk they suddenly don't have TIME to sit and listen to you. OR, their input is to take over and tell you all the things you are doing that's wrong, they like THAT kind of power, they like to be in the "drivers" seat. A red flag that you noticed was how this guy was only interested in having his favorite radio station be THE best radio station. He did not care about hurting YOUR feelings, instead all he cared about was his choice was the right choice. Toxic people like to embrace their truth as being the only truth. My older sister has made every effort to BLOCK me from getting any information from anyone EXCEPT HER. I should have noticed these red flags about her, I would have seen all this coming, but I tend to be an agreeable person in a lot of respects so I missed the red flags, but looking back and with learning what to look for, I can see them now.

When my phone rings and I see her name, I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to hear her condescending voice and the way she coats all the conversation with her drama because she NEVER really tells me the truth. She has lied to me SO MANY times now and she has practiced with holding with me so many times that I genuinely don't want to talk to her at all.

The hardest day for me was the day my father died. The phone kept ringing and I saw her name and I had already had too many sour experiences with her on the phone and when she made it a point to invade my last visit with him that I sat here and decided not to pick up. I sat here not picking up, the phone kept ringing and then she called my husband and he called and told me. I just sat here thinking about how I loved my father but I did not want to end up being traumatized by however she would need to control those last moments of his life. It's a horrible feeling to experience knowing someone you love is passing away and not feeling SAFE to go and be there for that person. It's not anything I ever imagined facing or experiencing. Her fate was being alone with that because of how many times she engaged me in so many toxic ways when it came to me feeling safe to be with my parents. I had been raged at, lied to, talked down to, smeared and isolated where the only way I could get any information about my parents was to HAVE to talk to her, that I sat here and said to myself, I don't want to expose myself and risk being traumatized yet again.

My mother is dying and the call came again, my husband KNOWS and has witnessed her rage and lie and create drama so much now and how it affects me that he picked up. She refused to tell him anything. His answer was that I was not home and he would let me know when he could talk to me. I had to wait a few hours before finally getting mentally prepared to talk to her. It's very hard when someone insists on withholding and uses someone you love and care about so much to control like that. To me, it is the lowest of low, it's evil and disgusting. No matter how you respond, you are playing THEIR GAME when someone is toxic. There is nothing healthy in the picture no matter how you respond.

My mother is laying in a bed and doesn't open her eyes and barely talks and my sister is hovering over her. I just want to experience time with my mother without this controlling negative presence hovering around me and the truth is I am not even over what I just experienced with my father and all the dysfunction that revolved around his passing and even his service that really wasn't his service but HERS that I stayed away from, that was a difficult choice too. My husband feeling bad for me calls her and all he wanted was to help me have my own time to visit with my mother, to just say my goodbyes alone and the reaction he got was a smearing of me and absolutely not. A healthy person would have no problem respecting that, but I am not dealing with a healthy person. This label "narcissist"? I am not really comfortable assigning that label, even though I can see a lot of the things on the list that she practices. All I can say is it's disordered and toxic and I really don't care to expose myself to it. Sigh...people say to ignore her, don't give her power just go and pretend she isn't there, she wants you to suffer and feel bad, don't let her rent space in your head, she wants you to do that. None of that input helps me. None of that stops me from feeling nauseous and disgusted and deeply disappointed or helps me "JUST" find it in me to go and visit my mother even though I know this toxic presence will be there hovering and there is always this negative energy in this presence just looking for something she can grab onto that she can use to feed off of. If someone puts a lot of effort into smearing you and lying to you and raging at you and wants you to react so they can rage at you or add it to their private stash to use against you. It can get to anyone, especially if you can't even imaging doing anything like that to another person. Some people CAN ignore that and can even laugh at it too. A kind hearted sensitive person can't do that, it's just not in their nature. I am a listener, I do care and I probably care too much for my own good, yet I prefer to plant positive seeds in another person in hopes that person can use that for their own personal growth. I have witnessed and experienced a lot of bad things in my life, I always tried to use these experiences to helping others and to be positives. I don't want to engage in the "hurting" games toxic people play so with that, I may not have an instant comeback when someone says something to solicit making someone feel bad about themselves. I don't want to be around that kind of person either.