I appreciate that, but I don't have plenty of time now. The job market loves youth. I can't really even afford to move right now. It's even harder to get a job if you're out of state.

I just feel like I'm in a lot of trouble here. I don't know anyone else that's going on 35 and broke and has no real career direction.

I could scrape by the rest of my life and be OK. I could get my happiness from volunteering and playing sports.

It's the shame that's so hard to live with, and something I wonder if I'll be able to. Every day is a struggle. I can't enjoy anything. I put on a fake smile and am nice to everyone and joke around with my friends. But I'm dead inside. Humiliated.

I remember my grandmother before she passed away told me I would fly in this world. My dad came to this country with absolutely nothing and made himself here and put in so much work to give us every opportunity to live out our dreams, or at least put up a good life.

He thinks I'm doing OK, my friends and other family do too. THat's the other hard part. I'm living a lie every day. Faking it. You can only fake at life for so long. People will see eventually see the truth when I'm still living with roommates in a few years in my late 30's and can't go on cool trips and things like that.

I'm trying to believe that all is not lost. I just wish I could be at peace. High anxiety is just a part of me now, when I wake up, all day, sometimes I can't sleep because of it even though I'm dead tired because I wake up so early, and I even have dreams about all this. And I don't know if I can live the rest of my life this way if it doesn't ever stop.

This all sounds whiney and I hope people realize I hold myself fully accountable for everything that's happened. I'm not angry at the world, just myself. I'm not bitter at the people who have it so good. They earned it.

I just wish I could cope with this. I'm not praying to win the lottery or get some kind of major break. I can do what it takes to get by. I just wish it didn't feel so bad.