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lost4357669 · Mar 23, 2019, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, lost4357669

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're NOT a failure. You're a strong, wonderful person who's trying to do his best to survive. Be proud of yourself for that. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice on this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I'll try not to repeat it too much. It seems like you're going through a lot right now. I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't give up. I'd suggest to just start saving some money for the future. Perhaps you'll be able to go back to school if you save enough money. Please be kind to yourself. You did some wonderful things in your life based on what you wrote. That little girl named Chelsea is right about you: you are wonderful and you will be able to achieve wonderful things! Just try to hang on as much as you can. I'm sure you'll be able to find something better soon. Keep applying for as many jobs as you can, save some money and I promise you that things will be at least a little bit better at some point. Keep fighting! You can do this! You're a strong, wonderful person. Stay strong. Stay safe and take good care of yourself. Please be kind to yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, lost4357669. You don't deserve to suffer at all

Thank you, you're an amazing person for encouraging people like that.

I'm fighting as hard as I can. I just don't know if it'll be enough.

What if it doesn't turn though? I remember watching this documentary when I was young called "Hoop Dreams", where a documentary crew followed around these two star high school basketball players that were being recruited where you could see how much people wanted them to succeed and saw them as being special. At the end, one of the kids says "Everyone's always saying to me, 'I hope you don't forget about me if you make it big!' and I just always think 'I hope you don't forget about me if I don't."

And he didn't. And they probably did forget about him.

I was so set on not being one of those people who went to meaningless jobs they hated or weren't stimulated by every day to carve out a middle class living. I thought the joke was on them. I was wrong. I should have just done it. I could have. Even without a college degree, I was on that track when I was young. I just hated not liking my job. I could have just lived with not liking my job and just loving life outside of it.

I probably could've been making close to 100K right now if I had stayed on that track and didn't really even put in much effort. And probably hated it, but the rest of my life would have been fine. I could have built a life and a future. And did what smart people do, simply bear their jobs and build a life outside of it.

Could have, would have, should have, I know. I have to live with it. Or try to, anyway. There is a possibility that money might always be a struggle. It's pretty alarming to be almost 35 without any savings.

I hate being like this. Essentially a zombie. Nothing feels or tastes good anymore. I just try to work as hard as I can every day and hope I'm so tired by the end that I can force myself through the anxiety and shame and sleep before waking up to do it all over again.

I really do wish you all well. I thought it might feel better to get it out here but now I think I just feel guilty about taking the time when people who actually deserve the help are out there.