I was officially diagnosed with BPD and major depressive disorder in 2005. It is now 2019, I just turned 48, and I have been diagnosed with ddnos. Specifically high marks in the following areas: Amnesia, Depersonalization, Identity confusion and Identity alteration (no derealization, no did).

I'm concerned that I don't really have ddnos. I'm concerned that I exaggerated things while taking the assessment. For example, I really can not recall a lot of my life. I only remember moments that I assume were significant but isn't that typical for the average person?

I don't know if I really dissociate. I wouldn't describe it the way I have read it described by others. It also varies sometimes. Usually I have a type of freeze response and my mind goes blank. Parts of me feels numb, like my cheeks. Sometimes I get what I would describe as tunnel vision. I feel like a deer in headlights.

My therapist, that I have been seeing for 2.5 years, seems to think that I have "parts" even though I have only said on occasion that "I feel like there's this 6 year old in me that wants someone to pay attention to me and hug me and then there's this teenager that is reckless and angry but also really just wants love." All I can think at this moment is, was that sentence a run-on?

Anyway, during my last session, my T began to talk to me in a way that seemed like she thinks that my
"parts" are more like alters. Maybe those words are used interchangeably here. I don't know. I also don't know if I am making any sense.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't feel like I fit anything other than possibly dissociation. I've never felt so confused about myself than I do now but I think it is because of the direction my therapy is heading. I don't want to be a phony. If I actually do have other issues like I was recently diagnosed with, that is ok, I just don't want to mislead anyone. I've also wondered if I am just in denial.

During my last session my T was saying things like "... There's this part of you, she feels afraid. Is that right?" "There's a part of you that is the protector. I'm wondering if she could come out and tell you what it is that she is protecting you from? What do you think she would say?" "Do you remember when she first started protecting you?" "At anytime if any of your parts want to say something to me, I hope they feel comfortable doing so."

That made me feel like she thinks that I have DID, yet she has said before that I don't. If any one knows what I am trying to express and has some thoughts, could you please share them?