Quote:
Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor
I was officially diagnosed with BPD and major depressive disorder in 2005. It is now 2019, I just turned 48, and I have been diagnosed with ddnos. Specifically high marks in the following areas: Amnesia, Depersonalization, Identity confusion and Identity alteration (no derealization, no did).
I'm concerned that I don't really have ddnos. I'm concerned that I exaggerated things while taking the assessment. For example, I really can not recall a lot of my life. I only remember moments that I assume were significant but isn't that typical for the average person?
I don't know if I really dissociate. I wouldn't describe it the way I have read it described by others. It also varies sometimes. Usually I have a type of freeze response and my mind goes blank. Parts of me feels numb, like my cheeks. Sometimes I get what I would describe as tunnel vision. I feel like a deer in headlights.
My therapist, that I have been seeing for 2.5 years, seems to think that I have "parts" even though I have only said on occasion that "I feel like there's this 6 year old in me that wants someone to pay attention to me and hug me and then there's this teenager that is reckless and angry but also really just wants love." All I can think at this moment is, was that sentence a run-on?
Anyway, during my last session, my T began to talk to me in a way that seemed like she thinks that my
"parts" are more like alters. Maybe those words are used interchangeably here. I don't know. I also don't know if I am making any sense.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't feel like I fit anything other than possibly dissociation. I've never felt so confused about myself than I do now but I think it is because of the direction my therapy is heading. I don't want to be a phony. If I actually do have other issues like I was recently diagnosed with, that is ok, I just don't want to mislead anyone. I've also wondered if I am just in denial.
During my last session my T was saying things like "... There's this part of you, she feels afraid. Is that right?" "There's a part of you that is the protector. I'm wondering if she could come out and tell you what it is that she is protecting you from? What do you think she would say?" "Do you remember when she first started protecting you?" "At anytime if any of your parts want to say something to me, I hope they feel comfortable doing so."
That made me feel like she thinks that I have DID, yet she has said before that I don't. If any one knows what I am trying to express and has some thoughts, could you please share them?
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first thing is take a deep breath and relax getting diagnosed something doesnt change anything other than puts a name on your group of problems. kind of like the name vegetables is the name of foods that have similar characteristics. your treatment provider has told you what the name of your group of problems are.
what your treatment provider is doing with you is a new assessment and therapy approach. but yet using a discontinued diagnostic label. so its no wonder you are confused.
first the diagnostic label they gave you, DDNOS. it used to stand for dissociative disorders not other wise specified. meaning you have shown her dissociation problems but she doesnt know what its called yet so you got dumped into the melting pot and later when she has more time to work with you this will be changed to an actual mental disorder called OSDD (Other Specified Dissociative Disorder)
when your therapist does the change over on your files it will have the wording OSDD dash and then another dissociative mental disorder that you can not find on the internet, in books or in movies until ........after..... you are diagnosed with it. this is to prevent exactly what you are worried about.. people exaggerating their problems and getting stuck in a melting pot disorder. as it stands right now she knows you have this category of problems just not which one of the 8-20 dissociative disorders listed in this disorder on the treatment providers only list.
now the test she did with you and the therapy she is doing with you... its part of something called IFS and the IFS scale. this is a relatively new therapy and approach for the USA. its done with many mental disorders and does not necessarily mean you have a severe dissociative disorder. quite the opposite. it means you have normal parts of yourself that are causing you problems.
a simple example is you know how when you have 2 choices... you see on a table an apple and a bag of candy. you think to your self I want the apple but I want the candy too. you are torn between which one to choose. instead of thinking it out you make the impulse decision to eat the candy even though you may have a problem with candy.
in IFS this is called having two parts. one part of you wanted the candy and another part of you wanted the apple.
now take it a step further.. how do you change this from a bad decision to a good decision. you ask yourself questions which leads you to the right decisions... you treat your feelings and what your needs and wants are "as if" they are people living inside you. like if you were standing with your best friend talking and your best friend told you they wanted an apple and a bag of candy and cant decide which they want. you help them decide. in this therapy the goal is to give a voice to your feelings, needs and wants, to listen to them and make the right decisions in your life, instead of staying stuck in problems all your life.
the best thing about this therapy is that exaggerating, imagining, is built right in. example instead of saying "Im angry right now". in IFS language you are imagining what that would look like as a person, (a part) and why that part is angry. in IFS this part is called a protector. therefore instead of saying I'm angry" you would say something like my protector part is so angry they could punch a wall right now.
I admit its a weird way of doing things and I dont use it in my own therapy process. I personally dont like this therapy approach because it makes people feel like they have multiple personalities (DID) when the therapy approach requires that it be used only in non pathological multiplicity systems. in other words not the kind of alternate personalities that dissociative disordered people have. theres a difference between these normal parts (called sub personalities) versus dissociative type alternate personalities. and its so easy to get the two confused. especially if trying to do the work when you also have dissociative type alters.
hopefully this has helped you to understand what therapy approach your therapist is trying to do and that no she most likely is not trying to make you believe you have DID. this is just a new way of working with people. giving a voice to their feelings and problems teaching them how to listen to their normal thoughts, behaviors, actions and learning to solve their problems.