I am posting this, in hopes that other people with similar problems will realize that they have a problem. I didn't realize it for years, until today. I don't know what made me realize I had these problems today, but I did & I was able to recognize these mental health issues.

Okay, I’ve been very troubled here lately and being by myself a lot more has helped me realize some things about my emotional & mental state. People have said things to me that made me wonder why I act certain ways. I was able to come to the realization that the way I think & feel constantly changing in the manner that it does is not normal at all. I am also beginning think that this is where most of my prior drug use and current alcohol use stems from. I think I was self medicating for a whole bunch of mental illness...

For years I have noticed that when I am sad, I get incredibly depressed very easily (even suicidal at times). When I am happy, I am in an unimaginable state of bliss. However I have never noticed how I go from one extreme to the other so quickly until today. And I have also noticed that I have an in-between state that I think your average bi-polar disorder sufferer doesn’t necessarily have. When I get caught in that middle mood, I don’t give a %#@&#! about anything, I am super apatheic & feel blank.

These emotional changes -aka mood swings- control me to the point that I act irrationally & without thought of consequence. Sometimes I look back & wonder why I felt the need to say & do certain things because I wouldn’t have normally committed to those actions so easily. Almost as if it wasn’t me doing them.

At times I also have mild feelings of paranoia. I lose touch with reality & become delusional. I tell myself that things are happening that aren’t. I imagine that people who actually care for me are plotting against me at times, or are lying to me about certain things just so I don’t suspect what is really going on. Sometimes I imagine that people are thinking things about me and I start trying to prove them wrong, even when I have no evidence to support the fact that they are thinking these things to begin with. Until today, I never even classified these thoughts as unusal. I accepted them as truth & still somewhat (uncontrollably) do. These feelings, stragely enough, have been relieved whenever I have smoked marijuana, which has been known to induce these feelings in others.

My thoughts move like a train. Each car passes, with another following. Sometimes I think about 3 or 4 things all at the same time and it makes it impossible for me to even grasp one of the thoughts long enough to say something about it. Sometimes as another thought comes, I completely forget about the old one. People often complain that I talk too fast & change topics in conversation at innapproriate times. It’s like a jumbled infinite mess of thoughts collaged together that I am trying to organize & can’t. Only when I am writing, where I can look back over what I am saying, can I put these thoughts into an clear, concise, understandble form. Oddly enough, whenever I have done cocaine in my life, this stopped & I could focus on one thing. Cocaine usually tends to have the opposite effect on most people, I think.

When I am placed under even the most miniscule amount of stress, it seems 10 times worse to me than it does to most people. I am often so worried about the smallest problems that I cannot function properly. As I look back and ponder on this, I really do blow things out of proportion all the time. The smallest problem seems like a huge gaping hole in my heart. When I cannot find anything wrong in my life though, I think I seek problems out. Things that were not problems before at all, are now huge ones. Sometimes I drink alcohol to curb this feeling temporarily so it doesn’t result in me stressing so bad that I completely lose control.

Sometimes everyday life is so much to undertake that a minimal amount of stress can throw me into a state where I feel so overwhelmed that I completely lose control of my thoughts altogether. When I am pushed into this state, I do not know what to do. I start breathing heavy uncontrollably and sometimes even start to cry because I feel like I have completely lost control over my body & mind. Sometimes during these episodes, I will result to erratic behavior such as screaming at people when it is not justified at all, beating my head against something, punching inanimate objects, or throwing sharp objects out of my reach, for fear that the next uncontrolled thought may be suicide. This complete loss of control hasn’t happened to that extent for a while now. Possibly due to the fact that when I start feeling like that, I am like a sinking boat and I start throwing things out of my life so I can stay afloat. Anything that creates stress in my life, gets thrown out.

All of these problems make it hard for me to sleep, cause loss of appetite, and create problems with social relations even when I do not self-medicate. But, not sleeping, eating or talking to people makes them even worse and causes hallucenoenic effects and headaches. Sometimes I see flashes of lights, or spots, strange colors in the wrong places (e.g. - a white room will appear to have a red or green tint everywhere) and I daydream very vividly. Sounds are sometimes distortred or warped. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and things look or feel oddly. This all could be from not eating and sleeping properly though. I am unsure...

I have always felt like I was different from everyone else. I felt as though if people knew the real me, then they would be scared because they would not understand. I’ve always felt like I had no control over my mind, only my body (and at times, not even that). Sometimes I can focus my mind on a task, and other times I simply can’t. I’ve always wanted normality. I want to be able to organize my thoughts without having to write them down, and not feel emotions so strongly that they control how I act physically & verbally.

In short, I think I have behaviors of a physchotic paranoid schizophrenic with bi-polar and/or multiple personality disorder exhibiting multiple signs of panic attack & anxiety disorder. And no, I’m not a hypochondriac. I have denied all of these symptoms for years, because people told me that it was normal & everyone felt like this. I am not denying that people may feel like this at times, but I feel like this all the time. I honestly don’t know how I’ve kept it together this long... But, I am now seeking help with these mental issues, so hopefully I will be able to get my head straight so I can focus on more important things.