Yeah, it is Chicago, a 38K salary really doesn't go far. To answer some of your other questions, I do have a roommate but even then it's a bottom tier salary for this city. It's mostly a bunch of kids right out of college and in their mid-20's I work with.

Outside of that I'm living pretty cheap. The only thing that temporarily takes my mind off the shame and anxiety is volleyball, and I have some friends to play with in the summer at the beach which obviously doesn't cost anything. I'm really staying away from alcohol right now because it gives me a ton of anxiety, especially the next morning. I'm not really eating out or anything either, but I just feel so bad that food doesn't really even taste like anything anymore so I just eat a lot of salad and fruit.

I don't have much debt, just really low savings. But more than that I just don't have any real career direction. Yeah, things could grow at this job but it's going to take a lot of time and I'm going to be 35 in a couple of months. I'm basically starting where so many people did 13 years ago.

I can survive on this, I'm looking for a 2nd job to supplement it. I can get by.

It's the constant deep shame and anxiety that's so hard to shed. I'm going to be 35 and I have nothing that would make my parents proud. No wife, no kids, no money, no real career.

I used to be a fun guy. What I loved most was trying to free other people from concern and worry. I should have followed that into a career. A few years ago I was a special ed paraprofessional just to try it out to see if I wanted to teach. I thought I had all the time in the world to do things like that and try even though they didn't pay well to find my niche. And then I tried working for a couple of startups that didn't work out.

I think I was honestly in denial about so much of this and how life really works until recently. In a way it's prompted me to work harder because I've finally really truly, accepted where I am in life. And it's 34, broke, and still looking for a career.

All of that is fine, I'm getting in good shape, eating really healthy, working harder than I probably ever have. Good development I guess. I just wish I could feel OK. That every single day wasn't just me pushing through. That I could enjoy something again.

And this isn't like a breakup. I'm still going to be behind in a couple years. I probably always will be. I'm not scared that I won't have enough money to survive, I'm scared that this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life.