Nope, I screwed that up too. Always said I would worry about that later. My first priority right now is cleaning up the debt I do have and getting a little bit of savings before I start contributing but that's going to be a top priority.

My parents are a little judgy but not really. That actually makes it worse though. They would have been so proud if I had made something of myself. They had me when they were older too so they're both in their early 70's now. I might never be able to give them that moment. I won't have enough money to get married or have a kid for many years, likely when I'm around 40, and even then most likely not enough to offer a middle class life. But more than that, if I can't stop feeling this way, there rightfully won't be a woman who would want any part of me and I wouldn't want to subject anyone to this either.

I just wish there was something to ease the pain. I can accept and take on the hardships that are coming for the consequences for what I haven't done in life. I just wish I didn't disappoint so many people. And eventually they'll figure it out. My parents deserved so much better than me.

I am that cautionary tale that parents will tell their kids about, the kid who didn't give himself structure and discipline and direction that woke up one day at 35 and realized he's a loser and can't do it all over again. And I can't blame them. I'd tell them the same thing.