I don’t feel like I belong anywhere either. Even in my family. I raised 4 children to adulthood. Much of who they are is because of me, good and bad. ( Not all of course). And now that I am old and I need them, they make it clear they are not available to help. I am so saddened by this. I know I was not the best mother. But all of them know I love them and knew that from the very early childhood.
I guess I expected them to love me back.
They say they do, well 3 of them do anyway. But I am getting too sick to live on my own much longer and no one wants me.
I have tried fitting in other places too. But except for a religious cult , I have not found acceptance anywhere. I just think of that old hymn, “This world is not my home. I’m just a-passing through. My treasures are laid up some where beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from heavens open door. I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.” Of course I never felt at home in this world.
I don’t belong here. It is very difficult to stay here. But I cannot leave. So I isolate myself because it hurts less. And it is easier to keep the secret that I don’t belong. The fewer people who know, the safer I am from their abuse and torment and rejection. I pray that I can leave soon and not have to suffer prolonged illness and inability to perform basic care of myself. But that is in God’s hands. Not mine. Maybe one day He will help me understand why I had to live a life of suffering and pain. But even the pain would be lessened if I belonged here. If I could find acceptance and real love from fellow creatures, it would still be painful, but certainly less so. Suffering in isolation is bad but suffering with ridicule is much worse. I can imagine that suffering in the midst of loving accepting people wouybe better still.
I HATE this disease. I pray that all of us with it will find a way through. Know that I am willing to accept fellow sufferers and I do care. I don’t have anything else to offer because my resources are depleted and I am so tired.