I'm REALLY getting tired of having Bipolar disorder, for many reasons.

The main one, however, is riding the unpredictable roller coaster: I never know how one day is going to be, and how different it's going to be from the last.

This weekend is a prime example: so many ups and downs.
Last week: overall very productive.
Friday night: 3 mile run, good night out with wife and two of her couple friends
Saturday morning: 3 mile run; felt charged in the morning, but then totally sapped of energy by 11am. I had to make a 3 hr round trip downtown and then back, to pick up a packet for a race on Sunday. EXHAUSTED in the evening, but able to chill out with a movie and pizza with the family.
Sunday morning: GREAT day! Went downtown and participated in a 5-mile race with 20k runners, and performed rather well. Then went out for lunch with some runners from my gym, hung out downtown w/ the wife and kids, and then headed back. Watched Dodgeball, a nice mindless film, last night to veg out.

Monday morning: feel LOUSY...exhausted, irritable, nauseous. You name it, I got it. My 3 kids are home this week from school for spring break. I have to work from home and attend to them. In general I get really stressed out spending time with them. They're always fighting over stupid things (like most kids do), and I am always worried that they're not keeping pace with other kids their age.

However, when I'm trying to work it's IMPOSSIBLE to get any work done. I am a hopeless procrastinator, and like the ability to waste time until I absolutely have to work. When the kids are home, I have to compartmentalize, and shift gears quickly to work so I can attend the latest hourly crisis.

I'm only an hour in, but I've already come to one foregone conclusion: this week is going to suck royally.

There have been three positive developments that I'm TRYING to feel good about:

Alcohol. I stopped drinking on January 23rd - a little over two months ago. For a while it was cold turkey, and then I decided to allow myself 1 drink when I go out for dinner - just for taste. I'm not sure if I myself feel any better, but my wife seems to think I've improved a lot: focus, energy, patience with the kids. Also, I have less trouble getting out of bed before 7am.

If I could go back in time, I would have never picked up a drink. I thought at the time that it was a great "social lubricant" that helped decrease inhibition and transformed me from "wallflower" to "life of the party." I now see that it wasn't worth it at all. In addition to the extreme negative physical impact to my liver and waistline, it severely exacerbated my depression and productivity.

Benadryl. I've always had problems sleeping. Ironically it served me well for most of my career, which was in varying degrees a long manic episode: after working from 8-6 I would pass out at 8pm, wake up at 11pm, work until 3 or 4am, sleep till 7 and then hit the office during the day and grad school at night. This was on nights I didn't have class: on those days I worked straight from 7am (sometimes earlier) until 10pm (sometimes later).

So when I was diagnosed with BP I in fall 2016 we decided that, given the importance of sleep hygiene in mental health, we tackle these issues head on. I was on Lyrica for about a year, and then switched to Banophen / Benadryl in fall 2017.

It helped me get to sleep, but left me "zombified." For a while I couldn't get up until 8, and was unable to function until 11am.

After cutting out alcohol in late January, I tried going without Benadryl. Amazingly, I was able to sleep properly. It's now been 4 days Benadryl free: I am feeling a bit tired, but it's an irritable, anxious fatigue vs. the previous numb, dragging variant. I'm going to stick with it, however. While I do think that medication is an important component of medical health, it should be used with caution. Benadryl is known to cause issues with dementia and memory - I can attest to the latter, as I've had extreme difficulties recalling basic facts.
Benadryl and Other Common Medications are Linked to Dementia in Men and Women | National Center for Health Research
4 Brain-Slowing Medications to Avoid if You're Worried About Memory

I'm no scientist or doctor, but I think the improved ability to sleep without medication is due in large part to the removal of alcohol from my regimen. Here's a helpful related article.
How Alcohol Affects the Quality—And Quantity—Of Sleep - National Sleep Foundation

Exercise. Again, running a 5-miler led to a serious uplift in my self-esteem and sense of engagement and purpose. Keeping pace with marathoners and running through the streets of the downtown area was exhilarating (even if my legs feel like Jello today). I'm hoping that the release of endorphins (aka "runner's high") is something that I crave, and will replace my previous dependence on alcohol.

So I'll try to keep these items on my radar, and hopefully they'll help dampen the counterproductive "axis of evil:" fatigue, anxiety, and lack of self worth.

Everyone, have a great week!