I've read through your replies several times and thank you for the comments.

Cryran0- the self-loathing really hit home for me. I have hated myself for many years. Many hours of my day are focused on all my bad traits, the pain I've caused others and my overwhelming shame. The ironic thing is that I truly can see what is wrong and know exactly what it takes to fix them but (hence the name) I'm 'frozen'.

Okie- I've thought about going to AA for the past three years. I have been to one meeting but was there for a friend. Over the years, I've become expert at hiding my 'life' though it is increasing difficult to do so. I consider myself a bing drinker. I end up going to a bar by myself because, generally, those I do consider friends aren't interested in going. Most times, I do run into people I've known for a long time. In going, I never think my intention is to meet any one or get drunk but the reverse happens. I get a lot of attention and some men are gifted at knowing exactly what to say.

Quickly, I do want to say that I'm reflecting on things and can't quite gather my thoughts. I've had another bad evening. 'Cliff' came over and wanted to talk about things. I got tired of 'talking' and just wanted to go to sleep and I ended up freaking out when he, after all that I had said, wanted sex. Long story short, I jumped out of his car at an intersection, walked a mile or more, spent $20 on a taxi and beat myself up physically. It just floors me that he can still look at me and want to be intimate.

At that, I think I will finally lay down and sleep.