Hi Kessa,
I do think that dissociative disorders stem from trauma. But boy do I understand not believing in repressed memories. There are reasons we do the things we do, react the way we react.
When I was first diagnosed DID, I completely disagreed with the diagnosis and went into major denial for a few years. I fought a good fight to deny it, trying to come up with any other reason for the behaviors that were being pointed out to me.
Looking back later, I realized that a portion of that was because in order to accept this diagnosis, I had to accept the fact that I was abused and I couldn't do it. I do think that that was partly because my abusers were still so much entwined in my life that it was not safe to even consider it, but I think my brain was so bent on protecting me that I would have denied it regardless.
I argued that if something bad had happened in my life, then I would have at least some knowledge of it, right? People don't just have things happen to them and not have a clue at all. This part of my brain just refused to even consider it.
Unfortunately the more I became aware, the less I was able to deny it. I did not know that there were tell tale signs of abuse and my behaviors were text book examples. I thought: Everyone sleeps dressed in armored clothes to sleep. Everyone fills up their beds with anything they can find so that there is not an inch of spare space. Everyone makes themselves small in order not to be seen.
Well, of course one would immediately raise their hands to their throat to protect them if someone came up behind them. It was normal to either jump 10 feet in the air because of a small sudden noise or end up in another place doing something else. It's normal not to remember childhood or what I did last week. Etc, etc.
The brain is an amazing thing and it's all about survival first and foremost. Your brain will bring things forward when it's time, if it needs to.
Much caring is sent to you today. I know it's hard for the brain to even consider trauma, especially if it's not ready or there are reasons it still feels the need to protect.
I wish you strength as you start and/or continue your journey.
