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Old Mar 17, 2008, 06:28 AM
hold2truth hold2truth is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: Nov 2007
Posts: 19
Add another trigger, one more, ah, heck, add three--no, four... make that five--more triggers.

I am so sick of this marriage. The only reason I agreed to marry him is because we got caught making love. My husband has this incredible sense of responsibility to do what's right. I admire him for that.

But I never loved him. And even with our 3rd anniversary I STILL can't bring myself to love him. The only thing that's kept me in this marriage for so long (some of you snicker, I'm sure, because 3 years is NOT that long) is because it's "the right thing to do." Jesus said God abhors divorce. The only reason he allowed it is because our hearts were hard. Well, my heart has gotten to that point. I don't even care anymore whether or not my divorce causes him to trip up and fall in love with another girl, have sex, get married. Technically that's adultery in Jesus's book. And I'd be responsible. As much as I hate that idea, being damned to hell for suicide is worse.

I feel walked on, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and just generally trapped. I feel abused. I gave in and gave up so much for the happiness of a man I never really even loved. I'm lucky we've not had children yet. I used to travel and sing. I LOVED that. He said I couldn't do it anymore. I used to have friends, confide in people. He said I talked too much. I lost all of my best friends to him. He expects me to run his errands, wash his clothes, clean his house, and keep my promises. Yet he goes out with his friends, breaks his promises, and walks all over the things that are the most precious to me. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I *didn't know.* I'll never do that again." Some of the stuff is self-explanatory. Some of it I verbally said "John, this is important to me. Please do/don't do this."

Case in point: I don't want to have sex. He goes downstairs and I go to bed for the night. I take Ambien, and this puts me to sleep. If you wake me up, I can talk to you, but I won't remember anything I said or did the next morning. He'll come to be in the middle of the night, have sex with me. I have no memory of it, but my underwear's not the same when I wake up. I ask him about it, he said yeah, we had sex. I said "don't do that again. That's not right. I have a right to be awake when I am making love to you." "okay." He does it again. And again. And again. And each time I say "John, don't do that. It's not right." "okay. I'm sorry. I didn't know." I finally got sick of it and told one of my friends. He never did it again. His reputation was more important to him than sex with me.

Another case in point: half the reason I'm on Ambien in the first place is because I can't sleep next to him. When he moves, it's like an earthquake. I have asked for a separate bed so that I can sleep next to him, but not feel his coming and going. We are dirt poor, so I would not make a request like that unless it was *important* and *legitimate*. Please save, honey. Ok. I shop around. A good bed is a couple of hundred to a couple of thousand. I also need a new cord for my implant, a new cord for my phone system (for the implant), my clothes are running thin and tearing, I don't have enough food to cook a mouse dinner. I let my eyesight go for a couple of years because my husband rang up debt. He has a closet STUFFED of clothes and decides he needs more. Comes home with watches, $300 suits, new credit cards. He has more shoes than any man I know: 6 racks and counting.

He's a pretty boy. Style is important to him. I get that. But my credit is ruined because of him. I can't buy the things I need because of him. He routinely skips medications and forces me to, as well, because we don't have enough cash at the end of the month to buy meds anymore. But I have had enough, e-nough, of the broken promises. All of my dreams are gone. I've been put in the mental hospital partially because of him. I've lost sight of what's important to me because I'm so clouded by doing what's right in the eyes of God. I feel so conflicted because everything I do IS for God, anyway. I have this whole other set of problems related to God that I won't get involved on this post. I want out, but divorce isn't an option.

This isn't even the tip of the iceberg. There's so many things wrong with this marriage.