I am not ashamed of wanting love in some form. However, I don't really want romantic love. I guess I'm like your grandmother, the cynic.

Funnily enough, my mom is kind of like your grandmother. When I had a crush in college, she sent me an email with the subject line "Love is pain". Guess I come by my disinterest in romantic relationships honestly.

Mom and Dad are still married, but it was an arranged marriage, and honestly they never really had romantic love. It is more a parent/child relationship at this point.

I know some people who are also not interested in romantic relationships. That's totally valid.

Well... I honestly don't know the answers to your questions. But I hope you find the love you want. You do deserve it.

Thanks a lot for this, Skeezyks. I appreciate it. You also deserve good things, too.

Yes, starryprince. I have shame. And going by the information and insights given to me by the mental health field - psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists etc., books, everything! - and also my doctors - I understand that these feelings of shame, as you pointed out, come from what we learned and absorbed in our formative years as children growing up. Doesn't necessarily need to be a physical abuse or physical trauma either [although I did have those things]. For me, the paradigm fits, and I've seen how it fits for others as well.

I have had love before too, and definitely felt like I didn't deserve it or shouldn't be part of it like it was wrong somehow, but I just ignored those feelings knowing they're not the real me, as such, and followed what my head was telling me. Not my heart - my heart has a big black scar running through the middle. I have to listen to my head and any wisdom I might've picked up along the way.

So I didn't overcome or get over the shame, I just ignored it in favour of the wish for love.

Yea, exactly! We internalize so many things from our childhoods but there are still some people who disagree with that. I was emotionally abused and molested as a child so maybe that has something to do with it, too. That's a really interesting perspective, actually. So you're more logical in your approach to love, then? I'm quite logical so I'm trying to follow my heart more, not just in love but in all areas of my life. Thank you for this!

Hi starryprince, I think you articulated your feelings very well. I am not ashamed for wanting love. But I'm ashamed about other things about myself, like feeling scared or angry. I know it comes from childhood and being well, shamed for my emotions.

Something I want to share: in the past, many of the males I have dated and gotten close to in dating, seemed to have a repulsion towards the idea of love. They just wanted to hook up. It seemed a type of cultural male thing. That scene. Like love was weak or something. That was the vibe I got. Love is not weak. I hope you know that.

I'm sorry if I'm not helping. If I am helping, I'm glad.
I know you're looking for ppl who have had your experience. I can't say I have.

No need to apologize at all! What you said was very profound and I also believe that many of my thoughts about certain emotions come from childhood. My family isn't big on showing emotions. My mom is expressive but she hides her sadness and anger. I was born female, actually. I'm on the transgender spectrum, but I have noticed a lot of men have that mentality, that experiencing deep emotions is a form of weakness. I think it has to do with toxic masculinity and the unrealistic expectations placed on men. And then, on the flip side, women are told that they're too sensitive for showing emotions. I think sensitivity is great but society sees it as a bad thing, you know? "Love is not weak". That's so true. I think for me it would be "Desiring love is not weak". I think healthy love can be incredibly strong. I just feel weak for wanting it, and I think I feel weak for experiencing other emotions, like fear and, especially, anxiety. My anxiety is quite bad, way worse than I was telling myself, and I feel weak for that. Thanks for giving this response. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I have a lot of journaling to do, haha. Thank you!

Hello StarryPrince.

Thank you for sharing your truth with us. It was an interesting post which raised important questions for all of us. I would like to draw your attention to something you said, if I may.

"I think my father leaving when I was a baby really hurt her."

Is it possible that your mother was not the only one hurt by your father's exit? Perhaps it hurt you too? I know you were a baby at the time but you grew up without him. I am wondering if that is at all tied in with your difficulties around love and attachment.

That's a good point. I can't even remember my dad. He left when I was less than 2 years old...That certainly could be tied into everything.

As to your question. I'm not sure if I have felt shame for wanting love but I do feel a sense of shame when I get lonely. Perhaps that is similar? I also have a hard time asking people for things or depending on people though I am quite happy to help others or for them to depend on me.

Nah, I get you. I also feel a sense of shame when I feel lonely, too. I do think that they're both connected. That's a good point. I never thought of that before. I'm the same way! I like helping others but I have such a hard time depending on others. I have very few people who I know will come through for me.

I do not think you are alone in this struggle. It sounds very human to me. According to the research, our adult attachment styles are based on the attachments we developed to our parents when we were children. Something to think about. I'm not sure if you mentioned feeling open to discussing with a therapist? That helped me a great deal. Shame can be a very heavy and difficult emotion. Some professional help might be useful. That said, it is a feeling. You don't have to agree with your shame. If you see what I mean.

I wish you peace and a bright and loving future

Attachment styles are very important. I read up on them in the past but I have to refresh my memory because I think it's really important. I forgot which attachment style I am. I've actually been in therapy for the past 4 going on 5 years but I took a hiatus. The last time I was in therapy was 4 months ago. I have to call my therapist to make an appointment again.Thanks a lot for this response. I wish you peace and a bright, loving future, too!

Just wanted to say thank you.
I'm not ashamed of wanting love. I don't think. I feel needy for wanting love & often look for replacement care in friendship relationships that then don't match up to what I crave. But your post did put into words feelings that I have about not deserving love. The consequences of which are that I stay in an unhealthy marriage through not knowing what to do & friendships that I can't bear to break because they are toxic to me in the sense that I give too much, care too much, am too available in the hope that it will be reciprocated. And when it isn't I'm left depressed, angry, sad, hurt & actually, maybe it's a yes, ashamed & embarrassed that I might have come across as needing/wanting someone to care about me. & I come across that way because that is what I want. So yes. Ashamed of being needy. Thank you. I wish you well.

This all makes sense and it made me realize that I also feel needy for wanting love but I think that thought clashes with my independence. I'm quite independent so that's where the conflict starts. Getting over that shame will be helpful for both of us, I think. You deserve healthy, loving and genuine relationships. I wish you all the best and thank you!