You are not alone. That is very important to really hear in all of this. As an alcoholic, I have caused chaos and wreckage in my past. I am still cleaning up the pieces. What has helped me is to be accountable now. I may not have been accountable for the behavior or choices in the past but I can do that now, today. I can say sorry when I hurt someone and admit my human flaws. I am not infallible, and I know that I deserve to be loved and to love myself. My go-to phrase is: "that was then, this is now". Yesterday has passed, today has potential and to do the next right thing. I have made mistakes here with hurting other people and I value so much the opportunity to make it right when I get the chance. I have to work on feeling helpless when I cant. I just try and live my best life each day. I know deep down that I am a good person. Good people dont always make good choices and as long as they make amends they can move forward. Take a moment and breathe deep- all the way to your toes. Life is full of lessons and I dont know a single person that has ever learned from easy lessons. Its always the hard ones that leave the lasting impression.