You're not stupid at all, xmascarol! This thread isn't stupid at all! It's perfectly understandable that you'd feel this way. It's certainly very hard and very painful to go through all of this. It's be for everyone. Unfortunately it can take us a lot to time to grieve the loss of a loved one. Ten months is definitely not enough for many people. You're definitely not alone in this. Unfortunately I don't know how long this will last. It may take some more months. Please don't give up. Try to hang on. I know it's hard, but I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. I know things seem pretty hard right now, but trust me when I say that they can and will get better! I promise you that! Don't give up hope! I hope things will get better soon for you. If you keep them in your memory, they'll continue to be alive. Remember to take care of yourself as well! You're important and you matter. Take good care of yourself! Sending many hugs to you, xmascarol