I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.  Although I can certainly relate to what you wrote, I don't know as I have any oarticularaly useful suggestions to offer you.  So here are links to 6 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:
When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly
Breaking Free from the Bonds of Badness
How to Stop Punishing Yourself
On Hating Yourself Less
8 Steps to Like Yourself (More)
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...love-yourself/
My best wishes to you... 
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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