In my experience by age 30 people know if they are homosexuals or heterosexuals or perhaps bisexual. Are you saying by age 30 you still don’t know if you are gay or not? I am confused. How were you conditioned to pursue men? I think by now you’d know if you like men or not? You seem to dislike idea of relationship with men, then why go for it? I’d say in 2019 no one can force you to be with a man or with anyone for that matter