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Originally Posted by Nowinners
You say she doesn't want to talk about sex. Are you telling her how beautiful she looks (especially when she is wearing something that looks good on her), how much you need her, taking her out and focussing on her, etc. then after that hint about sex? Do you just hold her for a long time then kiss her over and over before going to the sex? Do you hold hands and hug alot? Do you help her with the dishes, or watch her cook and say you are doing it because you want to spend time with her? She might not be in the mood because it can still be necessary to "court" our spouses....
I looked and saw that Illinois may eventually legalize pot ( Chicago Tribune - We are currently unavailable in your region) from my POV, pot improves your libido. I wonder if she would consider using.....
And though it is not as good as sex with a partner--there is nothing wrong with getting some relief all by yourself. Maybe just talking about it here will make you realize that it doesn't hurt anyone and might make you less grumpy. Practice and it might be OK. 
Also, when she has been in the mood--do you make sure she gets as much satisfaction as you do? If she doesn't get there--that can be extremely demotivating if it happens regularly, though it will happen sometimes. This is the kind of thing you both need to try to talk about. Talking about sex is so important when you are married..... |
Thanks for the great advice. Much appreciated!
Yes, I’m telling her how beautiful she looks. I massage her neck, her scalp and her feet. I’m always commenting on how nice she looks. I see her picture on my phone every time I turn it on. We sleep together. We cuddle at night. We get up in the morning and have conversations. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. We watch movies together. We go to church together on Sunday. We kiss and show affection in many ways, just no sex.
She doesn’t want to talk about sex or do anything to have sex. So taking drugs and smoking pot is out. She doesn’t see it as her problem. To her, sex is something people grow out of and she’s grown out of it.
Getting some relief by myself has always been a problem. From a very young age I was brainwashed by my catholic upbringing to believe that masturbation was a sin. I was taught that the only good sex was PIV sex with a spouse. I have since tried to shed these beliefs, but they are still lingering, so even with self pleasure, it is not as satisfying when it results in guilt and shame.
I’ve talked to several counselors about it and they recommended counseling and masturbation deshaming rituals but this solution was too costly. I’m on Medicare and they don’t pay for that kind of counseling. Plus I’m on a fixed income and $150 a session is just too much money to pay to get over childhood trauma. Plus my wife doesn’t believe in counseling. She doesn’t want to go to couples counseling. She believes counseling is a crutch, that we should be able to solve our own problems.
As far as making sure she gets satisfaction when she gets in the mood, this hasn’t worked either. She had some surgery before I met her due to cervical cancer and she has never had an orgasm. Believe me when I say I have tried, but it has never come to pass, no matter how much effort I put into it. Plus, since menopause, she is never in the mood. And yes, talking about sex is important when you’re married, but it’s impossible when someone doesn’t want to talk about sex. Because I have an inherent fear of rejection due to childhood trauma, it’s easier for me to talk about it online than it is to talk about it IRL.